BTR California Collisions (clean-ish version)
by treehatsrock
Summary: a cleaner more younger rusher version of my favorite story that I have written, all sex scenes are deleted but swearing and sexual innuendo is still present. follow Sheriden on her adventure of finding true love with a BTR boy
1. Chapter 1

_"Sheriden! See you at the bottom!" My friend yelled as she pulled down her ski mask and set off down the slope._

_I smiled. not in any hurry to get down there. I was enjoying this breath taking view. The cold snowy air of the mountains filled my lungs._

_This was it now. It was just me, I deserved this view. I had been through so much lately. I saw the florescent colored jacket of my friend reach the bottom of the slope._

_Taking the ski poles tightly in my hand I set off._

_The wind whizzed past me, blowing my blonde hair about as I descended the slope at maximum speed. I loved the thrill, the adrenalin coursing through my veins... the way it made my heart thud hard in my chest._

_The snowy mountain was now just a blur as I picked up more and more speed._

_I could see something ahead of me, it stood out quite clearly from the crisp white snow, but my speed allowed me no time to react as one of my skis collided with the large chunk of broken branch that was in my path._

_I was catapulted in to the air. Fear engulfed my lungs as a sharp intake of breath sucked itself in._

_My back contorted in a disgusting way as I hit the ground. Pain scored through my entire body as I lay there motionless, I knew it was bad._

_"SHERIDEN! HOLY FUCK!" I heard my friend call. It was a minute or so before her and another few people gathered around me._

_Tears streamed from my eyes as the shock and the pain became unbearable. The noise of snow mobiles came nearer and medics where soon telling me to not move as I had a neck brace placed on me._

_"Oh my God it's Sheriden Lloyd!" I heard one of the now large crowd say that were spectating the after math of my accident._

_"Sheriden can you feel your feet?" One of the medics asked._

_"Yeh." I replied as I wept in complete shock and agony._

_"Okay... the helicopter will be here soon... Is there any one we can contact for you?" He asked._

_I gulped hard. "Carlos... Carlos Pena!" I replied..._

* * *

I shook my head from my terrible memory... of course it was carlos pena senior I was wanting that day, he was as good as a father to me.

Today though it was one of his sons I was was with as I stood in the airport

I Never thought I would leave my modelling days behind me, I loved the runway and the life it helped me lead, but at 27 my back had decided it was time to retire me from my catwalk days. The skiing holiday often played on my mind. It was hard to believe it was 14 months ago now, it went badly wrong! Left me with a 6 inch scar along my spine and a back that would no longer tolerate the days of a runway model.

So here I was in sunny L.A. ready for a new job, a new life and a new me.

I bought an L.A. house a month ago and was just waiting for my things to arrive from florida. carlos junior would be staying with me. When I first moved to America from England it was Carlos' family that had helped me so much, a place to stay and a family to call my own. Carlos was like a brother to me, so when he said he was moving to california to try make it big in some kids tv show, I thought to my self "well why not go with him," ease Carlos in to the limelight, and hopefully he wont make some of the bad choices I had made with fame.

Carlos was 19 he needed guidance, the show he was a co-star of took off so well, none of us expected it. it grossed 3.4 million viewers for the cable channel it ran on for just the pilot.

I became the surrogate manager of him, making sure he was in the right place at the right time, got him in to A list partys and at my delight got him and the other guys from the show a very high profile glossy mag photo shoot, not bad for a bunch of lads who had only been in the limelight for 3 months.

I pulled a few strings with the editor who I knew well. my modelling days came in handy for one thing at least.

The travel up to the photo shoot was to be a long one, carlos had convinced me to fly with him so I wouldn't be on my own, first class on a passenger flight was not what i was used to,i was more a private jet kind of girl! but Carlos promised it would be fun for me, we had to board a flight to Orlando Florida then a three hour drive to Miami the following morning. I hadn't really got to know the other boys Carlos worked with on the show. I had met them and introduced myself vaguely, knowing full well they knew exactly who I was.

I'm so paranoid... I agree that I chose to be famous, I chose to model, and I chose to be damn good at it, but it was always the failures of my life people remembered, like the skiiing accident or the drug and alcohol fuelled life I led before I came to the US. So meeting new people I didn't know a thing about always made me nervous, plus my fear of flying didn't help I had big issues with take off and landing.

the shows entourage to the sunny state Totalled to 8, some I had met, some I hadn't.

Going through security at the airport, Carlos had left me on my own to chat to a girl I didn't know the name of, before my head could swell up of flying anxiety it was interrupted by James.

James was one of the stars of the show, just turned 19 a few days ago and incredibly good looking, I mean god had really gone to town when he created this guy, dark hair that always seemed to flow the right way, chiselled to perfection face and brown eyes that could make even the likes of me melt.

Surely this adonis James who stood beside me should have been a model too or at least a greek god.

Then he spoke, taking me sharply from my day dream gaze I had upon him.

"Hey" he said softly.

I smiled in response.

"Sheriden, right?" He asked.

As if he didnt know, "Yeah, hi, nice to see you again" I said squeezing my hands tightly together.

He smiled.

"So is it true your never going back to modelling?" he asked, it was the question I had been asked at least a million times in the past year, a question to which I usually paste the prettiest smile on my face, and flip my now natural brown hair over one shoulder and reply "it just wasn't meant to be".

But today in front of the the greek god James and the mixture of fear from the flight and the xanax pills I had taken prior to getting inside the airport, or the fact poor James had just come along at the wrong time, The tears started coming out of my eyes before I knew I had to try stop them,

"no, geez I'm so sorry" was the only reply I could master as I silently wept with such pain I didn't want to show, I knew then that the tears wouldnt want to stop easily.

James gave me a reassuring one armed hug. "hey I'm so sorry, that was a dumb question, I feel awful now".

at the same time he spoke I noticed him glance over to Carlos to make sure he was still deep in conversation with the girl I had no name for and not notice how I had been reduced to this weeping wreck .

Carlos was still in mid chat so James although was in the clear from a telling off from him, he also had the job of trying to cheer me up from the mess he had made of his opening pre flight question.

With out saying another word James already had a master plan of his own to quick-fix his blubbing wreck of a problem, and simply placed his sunglasses that were perched so perfectly on his head on to my face, and said "I'm James by the way, not sure if you remember and I really just want to get out there how sorry I am, I mean am I an idiot or what?!"

I felt bad. I forced a smile to slap over my face like an instant make over.

"Ha! honestly James its fine, if anything I'm sorry, I'm just terrified of flying and I maybe have some issues with myself that the xanax pills want to take the time to get out now. haha! Geez I'm a mess".

I was rambling now, great! His look then I noticed was one of pity. He knew he was in his prime ready to start an amazing career, where as mine had obviously been killed in action and some how i had ended up with this group of teens starting out.

"You still look stunning" he replied." so you really that terrified of flying you need xanax?" he grinned. "I actually have an amazing remedy for fear of flights, drug free too. would you like me to talk you through it when we are on board?" He added.

James was simply precious. I thought it was the least I could do to sit next to him on the flight, plus any guy would wanna sit next to a model huh, even an ex model? Maybe that would spear his career ego and be my way of an apology for this entire embarrasment.

"sure, i would love to hear it" i replied.

Just then the un named girl Carlos had been chatting to tapped James on his shoulder with a clip board in her hand, asking him to sign bits of paper she needed his name on, James turned to me with a smile like I've never seen before.

"cool, see you onboard" he replied and he was off.

I regained my composure, or as much as I had left to gain, and for some reason a memory of Carlos' brother antonio came in to my mind. Antonio and I Hung out a lot, I dated his best friend jay for two years, jay was the love of my life, my little piece of home in a crazy world of fame. But he lost his life in a car accident four months before I broke my back in my skiing accident. Antonio was behind the wheel but the driver of the other car involved came up positive for drink driving.

I consoled antonio, told him so many times there was nothing he could of done. He got depressed and it wasn't untill Carlos' grandmother passed away 6 months ago that I received a drunken phone call from Antonio admitting he was trying to text on his phone the time the accident happened that killed jay. I hung up.

It was only carlos and I that knew about the phone. I was shocked at antonios' confession but I didnt blame him.

Carlos bounded upon me, "hey!.. you crying?" he asked with an arm slinging over my shoulder simultaneously.

"No...well yeah, your err.. gran just popped in to my head, well actually Antonio popped in to my head, you know eh.."

"Oh shoo" - my nickname Carlos had for me for sentimentle occasions such as this.

"cmon, let's not do this here ay, Antonio is coping better now, and you cant dwell on the past" he said softly.

"Yeah I know" I replied, now rammed with more guilt for lying to Carlos for bringing his dead grandmother along for the ride, knowing full well how much it shook his entire family to the core.

"Right! Let's get on this flight shall we?" He winked, he took my shaking hand after we had been through security and went through to the departure lounge with me.

Walking down that tiny isle of the plane with my ticket in my shaking hand trying to find seat H-24, the seat I would soon be attached to by my finger nails.

My heart was beating so fast with the nerves of flying. I found my seat, or rather Carlos had guided me in to it. I had the isle seat and Carlos wanted window, I was fine with that, looking at all the different walks of life that had got on the plane was always a good distraction for me to concentrate on.

Carlos was talking to me about a jacket he had seen online that he was intending to buy as he stuffed our hand luggage in the overhead compartments. This was his form of a calm down preflight chat with me, shopping was the highlight of my life any other day, but it was wasted on me today.

All I managed as a reply was "Mmm sounds great".

Reaching for the sick bag and resting my head in the palm of my hands I wished the flight away.

"Excuse me" were the words that broke me from the pits of hell in my hands, and looked up to see adonis like James standing beside me.

he must have swapped seats with carlos, while I was in my newly found dying position.

This guy must think I'm a drama queen.

"Hi" I replied as I moved my legs in to let him squeeze past to Carlos' former window seat. "I completly forgot about our ...err date, ha!"

He flashed that smile that I knew was gonna haunt me in the future.

"its okay, so are you really THAT bad" he said eyeing up my empty sick bag.

"Oh, god no! I like to have it just as a safety measure, besides it feels safer to have my head in there than I'm already in the emergency position..." rambling again! Geez he must think I'm an idiot.

He didn't say anything, the pre flight safety demo was playing on the tv screen in front of us, I presumed he wanted me to watch it, as he had realised there was no way I could manage to get myself out of this seat if something did go wrong and he would be stuck in his window seat to peril.

"Oh, before I forget, these belong to you, thanks for the loan" I handed him his sunglasses back. "So now's the time to make good on your amazing remedy for flight fear" I smiled the most convincing smile I could master, but judging by the his face, I hadn't convinced him of anything.

The plane had already begun moving and was just about to start the rocket launch it did to get in the air.

"Well now your stuck next to me for the next few hours, I thought we could plan an amazing date in Miami, you know after the shoot! I was looking at your body in the airport and I thought to my self, James you have got to get a piece of that action..." He went on.

My blood boiled, flipping men! Only after one thing all the time.

He carried on, "I thought maybe we could hook up, dinner, dancing and you know...maybe after we could..."

I cut him short, of all the ignorance! I was really pissed now. "james!" I hissed, "I don't know who you think you are but if you think im some kind of slut then you are very much mis-"

then I saw it, the cheeky grin apon his face. He had done it, he had distracted me brilliantly by pissing me off so royally that he had got me in the air without me even realising it.

I laughed hysterically and clapped my hands over my face to stop a stray tear escaping down my cheek.

James laughed a little chuckle at me, "told you it was amazing" he gloated.

"Well at least your not honestly letching on me, are you?" I said still with my hands on my face.

"No, I'm a true gent most of the time, but the offer for dinner is still available if I haven't pissed you off too much" he smiled, he had his masterfully shaped eye brows raised high as if he had pinned his whole plan on these very words.

Why did I feel I always owed this guy something.. geez.

"James I would love to but I have to run a few of my own errands, I honestly don't think I will be about that much, besides your...well, a bit young for me to go on a date with"

He smiled a cool smile, I hadn't crushed his boyhood dream or ruined a budding new friendship as far as I could tell, so I was pleased with my efforts.

"That's fine, but if you change your mind?" He gave my side a small nudge with his elbow to suggest it was a joke, but also to say it was a very real offer.

Talking to James on the plane was a much better idea than sticking with Carlos, there was a constant flow of conversation.

James was very much like myself, he was driven. He knew what he wanted and I could feel this guy was gonna go far, he was the entire package, I promised I would help him get some good publicity, I knew a lot of people that could transform his life overnight.

The pilot announced the imminent landing of the plane, and I wondered if James had another top trump card to play to distract me, he placed his hand on top of mine, which may have to be surgically removed from the armrest, He gave it a squeeze. better than nothing I thought to myself.

He leaned in to my ear and whispered "so Carlos says your amazing in bed!"

"What?! I have never.." then I realised again he was having me on.

"your good at distractions" I said with some resentment in my voice.

Then his real top trump came out to play in the form of that gorgeous smile. I can't really remember that plane landing.


	2. Chapter 2

We had landed in Orlando, it was just after lunch.

Carlos and the boys had been lucky enough to get given locations in which to have there pictures taken, and Discovery Cove was due first.

they would pose with the dolphins, get snapped bare chested and soon be on their way to teenage girls bedroom walls all over America, Then it was a one night stay here in Orlando then up at 5 tomorrow to drive the rest of the way to Miami for an interview and more pictures.

Andrew Ford, who was the editor of the magazine was meeting us at discovery cove, this was a huge honour because he is so high profile - but he owed me a favour for taking the rap for some cocaine his wife had found in his car a while back in my runway days. but judging by the latest photo i had seen of him he hadnt left his drug habit days behind him.

I hadn't touched the stuff for 8 years, I was determined that carlos would not be participating in andrew fords extra carricular activities too.

I owed his parents so much, taking proper care of their son seemed a reasonable way to pay them back for all the good they had brought in to my life.

Carlos was raised in Florida, and I had lived with his family from the age of 19, his dad and 2 brothers had driven from Weston to Orlando to meet up with us.

Carlos was rabbiting away on his cell phone to his dad.

He was beaming, Carlos shined like a star, he was so grounded, so honest, he was incredibly good looking, with his mothers Dominican tanned skin, and mischievous smirk on his face. He was short, I would sometimes tower over him in my wedges.

He said his good byes to his dad and made his way over to me

"my dad says hi" he grinned, then his face turned sullen

"Antonio isn't gonna make it Shoo, I'm sorry" he added.

I was half expecting this, I just gave Carlos an annoyed nasally sigh.

The drive up to discovery cove was a quiet one. James once again had found himself sat next to me.

"how are you feeling now?" He smirked with a squeeze of my leg.

"Fine now thanks to you" I replied.

At this point I noticed another star of the show look up at me; Logan.

Now Logan seemed friendly enough but I got the impression he just couldn't tolerate me, and to see him watch James squeeze my leg just made his assumption of me clearer.

I could just imagine him thinking "yup there goes the has-been model sinking her teeth in to fresh meat"

Thinking of Antonio's snub I dismissed logans accusing eyes and turned to James.

"you know what? I think I will take you up on that offer of dinner... tonight if that's still cool?" I said.

"Yeah defo?" He replied with an almost puzzled look on his magnificently bone structured face.

"Hey!" Carlos moaned and nudged my ribs from the opposite side of me. "I thought we were having a meal out with my family?" He sulked.

My face had anxiety written all over it, "Carlos I was hoping Antonio would of come so we could talk, I would be the pink elephant in the room if I went out with you guys" I replied, my eyes welled up with emotion.

geez what was wrong with me today? Bloody xanax!

Carlos relented, and gave James the same accusing look as logan had given me just a few minutes ago.

"Hey! man." James replied with his hands raised as if surrendering himself. "Just dinner, she owes me anyway. I will take good care of her" he said.

Carlos and I shared a grin, knowing full well I can take care of myself if indeed the opportunity arised.

The discovery cove shoot was a complete success. The guys had fun doing it, and watching a group of delicious young men frolic in water wasn't the worst way to spend a few hours.

James' tanned chest didn't disappoint either.

He really took care of himself, strong arms and defined abs. I liked what I saw and regretted handing his sunglasses back so soon, my eyes had no where to hide when trying to survey his goods.

Andrew Ford appeared to adore the boys, so that left me feeling incredibly smug with myself.

Job well done!

Andrew approached me just as the guys and their entourage were climbing back in to the mini bus, with an arm over my shoulder he guided me away from the bus.

I dreaded times like this, I knew what was coming, Carlos was already on the bus so I knew he couldn't help me.

"So how's work life going?" Andrew asked.

"Im... rediscovering my self at the moment, seeing where life wants me to be." the words flowed freely, like I meant them, at least I hadnt burst in to tears.

I swept my hair back behind my ear to show off a beautiful cheek bone to hopefully distract Andrew from the next question.

It didn't work.

"I got some hot catalogue jobs going, 18 month contract! If your interested? keep you in the spotlight" Andrew said enthusiastically.

Yeah there it was! the biggest insult I recieved lately.

Catalogue jobs!

These jobs are great for girls just starting out. but when you've been a top runway model and having it cut short in such a sad way, they are given out as ways to insult, or to say "hey, your career is dead but try these teflon coated trousers and get in to peoples homes by mail order."

My pride would never allow me to go to catalogue modelling.

Its not as if I needed the money but he knew I enjoyed living in the public eye.

As if my face hadn't already given him an answer, or the hand that was now on my hip, oozing out the attitude I was trying to conceal, andrew stepped it up with "beggers can't be choosers Sheriden".

A slap across Andrew Fords face was the only thing that sprang to my mind that instant, But before my hand could leave my hip, I felt arms grab me around my waist from behind and a gentle kiss on my cheek, the arms gently spun me round, and James' voice spoke out

"she's very much CHOSEN to be here today" his voice sounded calm but stern.

his arms left my waist and he held out a hand to andrew ford.

"thank you again sir for this amazing opportunity" he continued. finishing his firm hand shake.

james slung his arm around my shoulder and walked me to the bus.

"Cmon babe" he said loudly as he gave me a helping hand in to the mini bus.

As the engine started for the journey back to the hotel James confessed.

"I just figured you needed some help to put him off track of your awkward conversation. Seeing as your hair behind the ear trick didn't work" he grinned like a cheshire cat.

I looked out the window to see the shocked face on andrew Ford, that it appeared I had managed to bag myself a hot toy boy.

james must sometimes use the same distraction with his good looks to get out of things like i had tried just then.

Now was I angry at James or in awe of him for saving me from slapping one of Americas top editors and ruining this entire trip.

It was the latter, And I had the feeling inside that I hoped the opportunity would come again that james would wrap his arms around my waist.

I smiled at him. Then closed my eyes for the rest of the journey.

I woke up to someone shaking my leg. It was Carlos,

"hey Shoo, me and Kendall are going in to City Walk for an hour or so, you wanna come with?"

Carlos knew I would say no to this kind offer, as Universals City Walk is a tourist must, and all Floridians know its the easiest place to pick up girls.

I presumed Kendall was in on this knowledge, but he smiled sweetly waiting for my response.

Kendall was tall, had blonde wavy hair that was always out of control but always looked great, and he had these eyes. The most gorgeous green eyes that would tear through your soul if you let them.

"No I'm gonna just chill out for a bit then have my date with James and early nite" I replied.

Carlos raised an eyebrow to the "date" reference I had now made about my evening with James.

The bus stopped and we all filed out.

I gave carlos a hug and a kiss on the cheek,

"oh los, dont be late for your DATE with your dad okay" I said, carlos tilted his head in annoyance that I had twisted the word "date" to now sound so innocent.

He squeezed my hand in reassurance that he wouldnt and walked over to kendall who was waiting patiently by the shuttle bus.

I eyed James who was talking to the girl who previously had no name, but turned out she was called Ally.

Again Ally was flustered trying to get things from her clip board list completed. As she walked away I moved in on James.

"so did you wanna meet up in the bar or...?" I asked but James smirked at my question.

"I'm not old enough to meet you in the bar, but I will settle for picking you up from your room at 8:30 if that's cool?" He answered.

Shoot! Could I make myself look more idiotic? Why didn't I think before I spoke?

James made my brain turn to mush. Usually men didn't have this effect on me, it was usually the other way round.

"8:30 is great! I'm in 402" I replied, I gave his wrist a squeeze as a parting gesture as his hand was in his pocket. I Smiled and walked towards the revolving doors of the hotel.

Room 402 was full of lustre. Being me, I opted to pay for my own room as the one I was offered under the cable companys budget was not of the standard I had become accustomed to.

But room 402 was the penthouse suite. Only the best of the best could even afford to stay here, and I definitely had money!

discovered at the tender age of 14 by storm model management in london, I moved to florida at 19. most of the money I had earned during my runway days and a successfull make up contract in london.

I had racked up almost 65 million, and that's not to mention the insurance money I got from the skiing accident.

I had been voted 3rd in Forbes magazine on the list of the 15 top earning models.

The insurance money I had from my back I opened a new account for. I wanted to make sure not a single penny of it got misspent, after all what do you possibly buy with your broken dreams as currency?

Shit! 7:45 already, how did that happen? I thought as I eyed the clock in the room

I chose a navy blue vivienne westwood dress. it was summery.

I didnt have a clue where I would be going so it was casual but incredibly cute.

Vivienne westwood was one of my former campaigns as a model, along with chanel and gucci.

The dress was sexy, all cleavage was safely tucked away but it allowed my best assets of my legs to take the limelight, I pulled at my long brown hair, wondering which was best, up or down? I resolved to down. I gave my self a smile in the mirror, my blue eyes gleamed back at me, as if to say, you still got it girl.

I patted down my dress, it fitted tight around my tiny waist with a bow detail above the hip. I sighed... Just perfume to go and I'm ready for the adonis James to arrive.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a gentle rap on my door, I sucked in a deep breath.

My first date since jay had died.

Please go easy on me tonight James I thought to my self.

I Forced my smile back on my face and opened the door.

"Wow" was the only word that greeted me from James' mouth.

He looked very much wow himself though. blue pin striped suit, his hair carefully swept to the side, his beautiful brown eyes gazing over every inch of my body, Framed by the longest lashes I had seen on a man.

He took my breath away. He looked so much older than he did on the bus with his grey v neck tee on.

I took a moment to take him all in.

"Geez sorry, I'm so rude, come in, I just have to perfume myself then I'm good to go"

James stepped in, still not saying anything apart from the "wow." He seemed nervous. It didn't suit him to be nervous, he eyed up the penthouse, the beautiful furniture and the huge bed that centred the entire room. I blushed.

"James, you okay?" I asked.

He came back to earth.

"yeah fine. Sorry this place is amazing, you look amazing. I think I'm a bit star struck" he chuckled his deep infectious laugh.

I slipped my hand in his palm.

"cmon I'm looking forward to seeing where your taking me" I said.

He looked almost embarrassed "hmmm, I'm not sure its gonna be what your used to" he chided, taking another look around the room.

I laughed, "well it can't be as bad as Carlos taking me to subway"

he smiled, the image of me dressed in my vivienne westwood at subway was a humourous thought.

"Let's get goin then, you may want to change those shoes though?" He said eyeing up my 5 inch stilletto's.

"Okay" I agreed as I left the soft grip of his hand to rummage for a pair of flats to put in to my bag.

We left and grabbed a cab from outside the lobby. James must have booked the cab already as the driver knew where he was going.

James held my hand the entire way, it felt comfortable and gave me butterflies in the pit of my stomach. He chatted about some modelling he had done in the past and about his school days, he told me he was trained in ballet which I was too.

I felt myself giving in to james. He was a breath of fresh air for me and had a very mature head on such young shoulders.

He knew exactly what he wanted from life, we couldnt be more alike.

The cab came to a stop, James got out and as the true gent he was opened my door for me, again offering his hand which I hastily took.

The driver had also got out and was opening the trunk. out came a lavish looking picnic hamper which James took with his free hand.

He looked down at me, "you ready?" he grinned at my shoes.

I tore my gaze away from his perfect face and looked at my surroundings and realised we were at cocoa beach.

It was perfect for a picnic date. I de-heeled and just went bare foot, my perfectly manicured feet felt glad to be out of the heels.

We walked along the cool sand finding an ideal place to sit.

I had taken James by the arm now, this whole evening reaked of romance, and I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, and it worried me how much i enjoyed holding his hand.

James layed the blanket down and we sat.

For the first time I felt awkward.

"Do I make you nervous?" He asked, he didn't make eye contact, just looked out to the smooth ocean.

"no James you dont make me nervous". I lied. "you just need to know that this is perfect, but I really can't be anything more than a friend" I added.

I squeezed his hand which he was leaning on. He gave a weak smile and looked down at his lap for a brief second before returning to the ocean.

"is it 'cause of my age or 'cause your not ready to date yet?" He asked.

Wow brutal honesty, I wasn't expecting him to be so to the point!

I thought my answer through quickly and looked out at the ocean that had James transfixed.

"both, but that's not to say I don't like you. Your amazing and I definitely want to be great friends? I feel we have a connection, like I'm drawn to you" I replied.

he broke his gaze from the ocean and layed down on his side to face me. His eye contact ripped through me.

My head started to spin as I inhaled his amazing scent that had swarmed my way in the gentle breeze as he moved his body.

"I feel I'm drawn to you too." The words ached out of him, Like he couldnt do anything than say his deepest feelings. finally the tables had turned and he was putty in my hands for the first time.

"Carlos warned me in the bus today while you were sleeping to not hurt you. He told me about ... jay... I'm sorry. It must be so hard." he looked at the floor to say jays name.

tears escaped my face again."thankyou" was all I could master up as a reply.

He wiped a stray tear off my cheek. His touch felt like electric on my skin.

"Shall we eat?" He asked changing the conversation to something safe.

He opened up the hamper. Least if we ate we didn't have to talk serious stuff.

"Sure I'm starving." I smiled.

I had to hand it to James. He knew how to treat a girl, his charm was out of this world. He oozed charisma and had obviously milked Carlos of every detail needed about me for a succesfull date, my favourite fruits, non alcoholic wine, I winced at that. dreading what sordid details of my past Carlos had let slip to James.

I told james that jay was meant to be my soul mate. I let him know the hurt I felt when I learnt of his death. James was so easy to talk to, he some how understood, he said caring words in all the right places. I never wanted to leave cocoa beach.

The evening sped past and the cab journey home seemed to go even faster. It was late, almost 1:30am So much for my early night!

James walked me to room 402. I was dreading an awkward goodnight. But he had obviously thought it through and simply took both my hands, looked down to me and kissed me on the cheek.

He left a small folded piece of paper in my hand and walked away towards the elevator. It was his cell number and the words "for if your ever in need of a friend X O X"

Geez James why do you have to be so perfect! I thought.

I panicked.

"James?" my voice was soft but the desperation in it was so audible.

he turned back and came towards me, rustling up his incredible scent again. My head spun as I took it in like an intoxicating drug and he took both my hands again and kissed the top of my head.

I was full of emotion. I didnt know what to do or say. I regretted the xanax for the 3rd time that day. But the tears began rolling again.

I freed myself from his hands and wrapped my arms around his waist. He cradled my head in his chest.

He knew I was hurting for jay. He just took it in his stride.

When I felt I could contain the tears I let my head look up to his adonis face, which was full of uncertainty.

I couldn't understand why he looked uncertain untill he kissed me. His lips against mine felt unreal, our bodys moved in motion together, his tongue slowly caressing mine. His hands cradling my face against his own. He slowly pulled away.

"sorry." He said sounding husky.

He still held my face in his hands, he kissed my forehead. I took his hands in mine and led him inside my room.

"Sheriden I can't do this tonight, I know you don't want this. Not yet anyway" he said softly.

"Why did you come back?" I asked, I felt a flush in my face as the words came out.

" 'cause you need me tonight and I wanna be there for you" he answered.

he took his suit jacket off and Hung it over the side of the cream chaise longue that was positioned opposite the bed.

"Go get changed in to something comfy" he ordered.

Without a word I trotted off to the bathroom and got changed in to my night shirt. It was a bit short, just about covered my ass. But was best I could do at such short notice and limited luggage without trying to look sexy.

I brushed my teeth and walked back through to the main room.

James was shoe-less and shirt-less sitting on the edge of the huge bed but still adorning his pin striped trousers.

This I mentally thanked him for.

I walked over to the bed. He stood up and kissed my lips again. It felt more intense this time, I ran my fingers down his perfect chest, taking in the contours of his abs. He felt safe. I wanted to bury myself in him. Tell him every secret I ever had. I wanted him to mend my heart.

Again he pulled away. "in to bed" he said.

he nodded in the direction of the oversized pillows on my bed. I got in.

He walked over to the opposite side and dimmed the lights. he lay on top of the covers, even in the dim light I couldnt help notice his erection wanting to escape those pin striped trousers.

I cuddled in to his chest, one of his arms was my new pillow and with the other he held my hand, I kissed him on his cheek, he held me closer around the shoulders.

I had never felt so safe in a mans arms. James kissed me again, this time was longer, more seductive. I could feel the sexual tension in his tongue as it gently circled around mine.

I pulled away this time. Scared where this would lead but james had more control than I did.

He moved his body up slightly on the bed so my head was nestled on his shoulder. It was so late now. James' safety and warmth had me asleep in moments.


	4. Chapter 4

My cell was ringing, I scrambled out of bed to hunt it down in my purse.

4 missed calls from carlos! shit shit!

It was almost 5:30am!

As last nights antics came flooding back to my weary memory, I saw James on my bed. Belly down and starfish !

"James!" I said.

shit!

"James. Wake up, James, cmon now! The bus will be here in ten minutes!"

James turned and grunted out an "oh fuck."

There was a loud knock on the door.

"shit!" Now carlos is gonna think the worst of me.

I opened up the door. It was Carlos!

He had a bag in one hand and some flowers in the other.

"that is James' bag, kendall chucked his stuff in it as he didn't get back to his room last night! and these are from Antonio to say sorry for bailing on us yesterday" he hissed then strode away.

"shit, carlos wait! I'm sorry!" I called with his back still facing me Carlos simply raised a hand.

"forget it sheriden!" He replied sounding pissed off.

Fuck!

I handed James his bag and we both dressed in silence, somehow we managed to get down to the lobby before our bus had arrived.

It appeared that Carlos and kendall hadnt spilled the beans on mine and james' night together, for that I was thankful for, but Carlos made sure he didnt have to sit next to me on the mini bus.

I was sandwiched between James and kendall.

Once I could explain to carlos that it was all fairly innocent I'm sure we would laugh about it. On the other hand I didn't understand why he was so pissed, I am a grown woman after all.

I guessed it was the brotherly instinct he had for me.

What annoyed me was that he seemed fine with james. They sat opposite each other playing against one another on mario kart, exchanging the odd friendly insult to which ever one had won the race.

The drive to Miami dragged. I looked at the flowers that lay by my feet that were from Antonio. I noticed a card embedded within them. I opened it.

"Sheriden, i'm so sorry for not turning up this evening. The guilt I feel when I see your face overwhelms me. I will call you soon. Love always. Antonio x "

Geez! I felt like a loser. Poor Antonio so racked with guilt that he can't even bear to look at me, and here I am spending the night kissing teenage boys.

James must of read my card from Antonio or read my mind, but he nudged me and gave me the look as if to say am I okay?

I smiled back.

All I really wanted to do was surrender myself to him. Let him hold me, let me breathe his scent in.

I didnt want to annoy Carlos anymore so i shyed away from talking to James, instead I turned to my other neighbour kendall.

Kendall was laid back.

I don't think anything could make him angry. He told me about his home town, his girlfriend, how Logan had helped get him the part in the show.

"I've never been to Miami" he confessed. "Never thought I would be travelling up here sat next to you either" his face flushed.

I smiled "that's sweet kendall" I replied, he looked at his feet.

"so I hear your gonna set up your own modelling agency?" He asked.

Wow was there anything Carlos didn't say about me to these boys. I glared at Carlos.

"Yeah probably not untill after Christmas though. Even then I dont know if I'll be any good on the wrong side of the camera" I explained with a heavy heart.

the bus fell silent. I felt James touch my hand and gave a gentle squeeze to say hey dont cry. I squeezed his back in reassurance then let go before Carlos could realise I was communicating with James through touch.

Finally the bus stopped and stage two of their shoot was underway.

I wasn't needed for any introductions today so I made my self scarce to the hotel.

I was booked in to a different one this time to the rest of our group. Miami held something special for me, and I wanted to soak it all in.

I was in a condo overlooking the ocean. It was beautiful. I rummaged in my bag for my tooth brush but instead found a folded piece of paper with james' cell number.

I so needed to talk to him But bed was calling me, I decided to text instead, least then he would have my number and could call when he had finished the shoot.

I debated to text carlos too, but felt angry that I had to explain my actions to him. He can stew for a bit longer.

The condo bed looked good. Four poster, all in white, I felt like a princess in it, and drifted off with images of piercing eyes and American smiles.

For the second time that day I was awoken to the shrill sound of my cell ringing. I quickly clocked the time, 6:30pm! Wow I needed that sleep!

I grabbed my cell.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hi sheriden its James, what room number are you in?" He asked sounding upset.

"James! Hi.. Er I'm not in the same hotel as you" I replied as my head tried to wake up

"Yeah i know, im in your reception now, they won't give me your room number" he replied.

Ah that explains why he sounds miffed, I can just imagine him down there with the stuck up guy from reception trying to explain that he knows me.

"Im in 29 James, feel free to come up" I said.

"Kay, see you in a minute" he said then the line went dead.

I ruffled my hair infront of the mirror. Apparently sleep was not a friend of mine.

I quickly changed in to a red shoe string top dress. It was too hot to dress to impress. The gentle rap on the door made my head spin.

I opened up.

"Hey" he chirped, and embraced me round the waist, pushing me in to the room backwards, kicking the door shut with his foot as he came in, he kissed me, today it was urgent and fast.

I almost fell as he was pushing me back, but his grip around my waist pulled me in closer to him.

My legs now wrapped around his waist. His kisses sometimes leaving my lips to travel down my neck. It was electric. He led us to the bed where I released my leg hold on him and pulled him down towards me.

He climbed on top of me, his legs straddled either side of my hips. He pinned my hands down with his against the bed. I wanted him so bad. I ached for his kisses to go lower than my neck.

His erection was playfully digging in to me through my dress. If I had a free hand I would try to release it for him. His kisses stopped and he stared at me. Nose to nose. He gave the tip of mine a kiss then rested his forehead against mine.

All I could hear was our erratic breathing. He still had my hands pinned either side of my head. I kissed him on the lips, he slipped his tongue in again. This time it was soft and gentle.

He was trying to calm him self down. His erection felt so hard digging in to my pelvis it almost hurt. Just as I thought to my self I'm ready, he released me and rolled over to my side.

We both lay silent staring at the drapes that hung over the four poster. He took my hand and pulled it to his face, He kissed it.

"How come you stopped?" I asked as I half sat up to face him. "I'm not sure I wanted you to stop" I added bluntly.

"Your not ready sheriden, we have an amazing chemistry but you made it clear yesterday that your not ready, and I don't wanna mess with that"

I could have scorned my self for what I said yesterday now, but he was right! as the real life of jay and Antonio came back to me.

I kissed James on the head and stood up. James sat up on the edge of the bed.

"the shoot went well... and the interview" he said as he looked at his hands.

They were trembling. It must of taken a shed load of willpower for him to not be fucking my brains out right now.

"That's good. How was Carlos? Did he say anything to you?" I asked.

"yeah he pretty much told me to back off, I told him what happened, but he is really pissed with you. He kept saying your too good for me. I agree. You are" he explained

"Oh for christs sake James. No I'm not. Look at you, your like ... photo shopped or something. I'm still a human in here you know". pointing to my heart. "I'm still just a girl" I added feeling emotional.

"I'm sorry" he said as he stood up, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms in mine around my stomach, resting his head on my shoulder.

He kissed my cheek.

"Carlos didn't go to the hotel, he went straight to Miami Dade airport for a flight back to Cali" he said.

"Shit really?" I groaned.

"Ya and I kind of promised him I would steer clear of you, I told him I needed to sort some stuff out with you first. I think you know its probably right if I stay away? He's just worried I'm gonna fuck a thousand girls and break your heart" he explained.

Silence succumbed the condo.

"So we have untill you leave the room?" I asked.

"Yeah" he whispered.

"Will you stay with me tonight? You know just to be with me?" I felt my cheeks redden at my odd request.

He kissed my hot cheek, released his hold on me and casually layed on my bed, with his arm out stretched to welcome me in to his embrace. I took a deep breath and crawled in to his arms. We lay in silence, I drank his scent in. Which filled my mind with urges to please him.

I circled a button from the green top he wore with my finger.

James fell asleep pretty quick. He must of been shattered. I spent what seemed hours staring at his perfectness. Resenting Carlos for making this amazing weekend to be filled with regrets and promises. He did have a point though. James was going to go so far now he had been discovered. And he was far too young to get tied down to me when the female population of the USA was about to discover him too.

I kissed his cheek good night for the last time.


	5. Chapter 5

18 months had passed since the Florida weekend.

James had more or less kept his end of carlos' promise to steer clear. It wasn't as bad as it sounded. James and I were still incredibly close. We had snuck in the odd kiss every now and again but he would never let it go further. Not once had we made love.

I could tell james about anything and he would do the same.

He was often linked to many girls names in the press and I must of seen more than a dozen pictures of him with his arm slung round his latest date. But one girl kept popping up, a very pretty brunette girl called kacey.

She seemed nice enough. she did modelling and acting, along with trying to seal an album deal. They had been dating steady for 5 months now.

I occasionally saw them kiss, and pangs of jealousy would hit my stomach.

Carlos also had a girlfriend; Tammi. He was besotted with her.

Tammi could be a bit of a bitch, I intimidated girls with my wealth and looks, and I loved to intimidate Tammi. It came as no surprise when after just 3 months of being with Carlos, Tammi insisted on him moving out of my Los Angeles home. He did of course, he loved her so much. he bought his own place and she moved in with him shortly after.

Carlos kept hinting to me that I should put Tammi on my modelling management books but I always tried to avoid the subject.

My business was doing great. I had a lot of exposure in the set up of the company. With tv's americas next top model.

I felt in control of my life again, at least part of it.

My cell rang. It was kendall.

Kendall and I had become firm friends in the past year. His girlfriend of 4 years had called it a day between them 8 months ago, he took it hard, and rarely dated other girls so I would often accompany him to VIP partys and award ceremonys. We were singletons together.

I was a familiar face around the boys, but it was now public knowledge that I did most of my growing up within the safety of carlos' family, and was part of the boys new "family" we had created within the success of 2 series' of their music based kids cable show and the release of 2 albums to match.

I answered my cell

"hey shoo, what time are you getting here tonight" Kendall asked enthusiastically. Carlos' endearment term for me had caught on with pretty much every one.

"Kendall I've already told you, I'll be there no later than 10pm okay"

He sighed "cmon its my birthday you can get there earlier than ten!"

Kendalls 21st party had been drummed in to me for 4 months solid.

"honestly kendall if I could then you know I would. I will be there at ten. Oh and dont get shit faced before I get there, I'll be pissed if you vomit on my shoes"

"Ha ha very funny" he retorted. "See you at ten shoobaloo" he chuckled and the line went dead.

Kendall was so lovely, he always had time for everyone. He gave the impression to everyone he knew, including those that he just met that they where the most important people in his life, it was a gift he posessed.

Fame didn't alter kendall one bit, he hadnt changed from the first time I met him, he even came with me last July to meet up with antonio. A lot of good came that hot July day.

Antonio had been to counselling, and we could finally lay jays memory to rest without being racked with guilt.

Carlos was happier that the 'bad joo joo', as he put it, had gone between antonio and I too.

My cell vibrated in my hand, it was James this time.

he had text me to say him and kacey had kendalls gift all wrapped up, he promised not to forget to bring it to the party this evening.

The gift was a guitar. kendall had his eye on for this one for some time. But we thought his 21st birthday was a long enough time to wait.

I was out of los angeles today, I had meetings in palm springs and left just after dinner to get to the party venue.

Kendall had splashed out on a swanky hotel with a free bar.

He best not be wankered by the time I get there I thought to myself, tutting aloud.

I personally rarely drank alcohol. I had wasted so much of my youth in England being smashed out my face on booze and drugs.

The modelling life in England isn't that far from the one in the united states. But over here I was given more control, and Carlos' family, a very religious family, helped to get me back on the straight and narrow.

A year after I moved here and at the tender age of 20 I finally got my turn on the US catwalk, and fame and fortune beckoned at every door I opened.

I had offered to pick Logan up on my way to the venue, as he had a radio interview to do just outside of palm springs. It had just gone 8 as I picked him up, I was impressed with my early timing.

"I wasnt sure if I should of got another coffee" Logan jibed as he eased in to my mercedes. "You weren't as long as you said you might be" he added.

Now to me, Logan was the hardest of the four lads to get to know. He doesn't trust easily, and if he doesn't trust you he doesn't let you in his head.

It took 6 months for us to finally become friends, and that was only because his very dry sense of humour would rattle me the wrong way and get me to open my mouth to bite back at whatever insult he had thrown my way.

The day it came to a head, I must admit I had PMS of the worst kind. I can't even remember what snide comment he had made, but I launched myself at him, hitting him in the head, and just totally lost the plot.

James had to get me off him. But Logan must of felt bad, as he invited me round for dinner. that same evening we buried the hatchet and found we actually had a lot in common.

He has called me the diva princess ever since though, I think of him as a good friend now.

"I got away sooner than I thought and the highways have been in my favour so far" I confessed, banging on my dash for good luck.

"Are you looking forward to this evening?" He asked with the raise of an eyebrow, He gave a side ways glance at me as he spoke.

"Yeah I am, it should be a great night... Listen! I gotta favour to ask... Will you stick with me just for a while once we are in? I hate not turning up with an official date for fear of being a loner" I said with a cheeky smile.

Logan smirked at my cowardice.

"you! A loner, I'm yet to see the day. But yeh I would love to be your temporary date until you can find someone better" he chuckled.

I tutted at him and rolled my eyes. we both laughed. "You know what I mean" I retorted.

Logan chuckled again and flashed a beautiful brown eyed smile my way.

In some ways Logan was very similar to james. Driven! and he took from life, he didn't wait to get handed anything.

I often thought to my self that in years to come it will be logan that had made it the furthest in the fame stakes against the other 3.

I always envisaged a movie star in him.

Logan and I got out of the car at the hotel, he offered me his arm which I gracefully excepted.

We walked through the long stylish corridors of the hotel, finding our way to the party, we took a flight of red carpeted winding stairs to the entrance of the hall, at the top of the stairs the music was loud, Carlos and tammi were in the corner having what looked like a heated arguement, Carlos saw us and walked over to greet us, I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he gave me a huge hug in return, Logan was saying brief hellos to people filing in to the hall.

I gave him the look to say dont you dare leave my side yet! He flashed his amazing smile at me as an okay.

No way did I want to get stuck with carlos and tammi having one of their rifts.

Logan and I made our excuses to leave the stairway entrance, he took my hand and we went inside to find the birthday boy.

The place was heaving! there were people from all walks of kendalls life, the room was huge, the bar area was well lit, the dance floor looked amazing, the beat of the loud music thudded through my chest.

The place was decorated very tastefully. kendall had really gone to town on paying out for all this.

As logan and I weaved through the swarms of people, James approached us. His eyes glazing over how Logan and I were joined by the hand.

He gave a shocked look to say 'well thats a development i didn't know about'.

I surrendered logans hand and reached out to hug James, he kissed me on the cheek, but over the year, he had got his cheek kiss down to the art of it being pretty much on my lips.

His eyes grinned at me at our private joke.

"So when did this happen" he casually asked as he wiggled his finger at me and Logan.

Logan laughed."Oh god no! I snagged a lift from palm springs and then got hijacked as temporary date"

I glared at Logan.

"thanks for that" I replied, giving him a playful punch in the stomach.

"Ooh I see" James said eyeing me over, "well kacey isn't here tonight so i dont mind being your ...er company" he laughed at his choice of word.

It wasn't untill then that I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

Great now I get stuck with the drunkard.

Although now, still only 20, james like any other guy had his fair share of drunken nights out, he just had to be carefull not to get papped wasted, as it would be bad for his reputation and being the star of a kids show it wouldnt go down well with the bosses.

Logan shrugged his shoulders as if to release himself from his date duty, and then nodded in the direction of the dance floor where he saw kendall.

James waved over to him to catch his eye, then beckoned kendall over to us.

Kendall bungled through the crowds. He was covered in birthday banners, badges. and lipstick over most of his face, he even had a pair of lace panties Hung around his neck.

He had a huge smile on his face, he lunged in to hug logan, and he took my hand and kissed it, which i was grateful for as I didn't want my black Calvin Klein dress ruined in the first 5 minutes.

Kendall began chatting to logan about his day, while James snuck his hand in mine and pulled me to one side

"your drunk!" I moaned.

"Just a little" he emphasised with his finger and thumb to show me his measurement of drunkeness.

"You okay then? you seem in a very playful mood." I asked.

"Sheri' I'm fine, just happy your not dating Logan" he laughed at the thought.

"Hmmm" was my pissed off reply to this.

Before james could get another word out, kendall had man handled me, and marched me off to the dance floor, pointing in the air shouting 'whoop whoop'.

James' hand slipped away from mine, and I left him stood next to logan.

So as I left one drunk guy behind I was now dancing with an even drunker one.

Kendall looked like he had had a good time, he had drink spilt down what at the start of the evening would of been a breath taking white designer shirt, plus all his decorations his guests had pinned on him like an eccentric human christmas tree.

He danced alongside me for sometime, taking the odd break to briefly talk to his guests, once again kendalls gift of making people feel so important shined through.

I was enjoying myself with him so much, he even talked me in to doing shots with him and his brother kevin.

"what the hell" I said.

After 3 I felt I had made the wrong choice and that hell would indeed be waiting for me tomorrow in the style of a huge hang over.

My head was spinning, I hadn't even eaten since breakfast.

Carlos looked disgusted with me drinking. I knew he meant well, because he knew of the life I had before. But instead of marching me home, he gave me a weak smile as if to say take it easy, and returned to dancing with tammi.

I figured his good cop persona would be easier than explaining to tammi that he was leaving to take me home.

Stood at the bar I noticed james was deep in chat with a brunette girl. He caught my eye, and took a step away from her but still carried on his conversation.

My cheeks flushed and I turned my back to James.

The night went by without any major dramas.

I noticed that James and logan were no where to be seen by home time, so that left just me and kendall getting a cab back.

Carlos and tammi had just said their goodbyes and only a handful of guests still remained.

Kendall said some goodbyes and grabbed my hand to stumble out on to the grand looking stairway.

"Thank you for an amazing night" he beamed and he kissed my hand once again just before tripping over his own feet, falling, grabbing my hand to try and save himself and pulling me down with him, and us both narrowly missing a fall down the stairs.

Some of the hotel staff looked and gave annoyed glances at us.

We both got the giggles.

"Fuck! That was close" he said sorting his hair out from his face.

"Too close" I agreed looking down the stairs. "Did you wanna share a cab home?" I enquired as i stood up.

"I'm staying here tonight, most of my family have rooms too, we are planning a day out tomorrow" he swayed as he spoke.

"Oh ok" I rummaged for my cell in my purse to phone a cab, I would have to collect my car tomorrow.

Kendall stood up "ah cmon, il let you have my bed, il sleep on the couch" he said.

"serious?" i replied.

"Sure shoo shoo" he playfully tapped my shoulder with his fist.

The few moments it took to get to kendalls room were filled with drunken giggles.

He opened the door and said "m'lady" in a terrible attempt at a british accent, whilst gesturing me in with an exaggerated arm movement.

I sat on the bed to take my shoes off, it wasn't made, he must of seen me survey the scattered sheets, as he felt the need to explain.

"It's all very innocent, James and I got carried away with pre party drinks and he was jumping on the bed"

I then clocked the guitar in the corner of the room.

I stroked the bed subconsciously as james' name had been forced apon me.

"do you like the guitar?" I asked as I managed to switch my train of thought, god why did i drink?

"Yeah its amazing, thanks so much. All you guys mean the world to me you know..." he smiled and looked at the floor. "... Ive been working on a song, you wanna hear it?" He made full eye contact now.

"I would love to kendall" my voice soft, at his personal gesture.

He grabbed the guitar and sat next to me on the bed.

"its called american dreams" he said.

The song was gentle and slow, the words flowed softly from kendall, it was filled with lyrics of lost love and future hope. Kendall sang from his heart. He was raw talent. and the song words I knew were from his past.

They hit me hard.

When he finished we sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Your the first person to hear that, what do you think?" he asked shaking.

"I think its beautiful, very emotional" I gave his hand a squeeze as I knew he was thinking of his ex emily.

Kendall placed the guitar on the floor."You wanna hug it out?" he offered.

"sure" I smiled, and he wrapped his arms around me.

I felt lonely within kendalls arms, I had the feeling he felt pretty lonely too. I pulled out of our hug and moved my hand to the side of his face, his skin was soft with signs of tomorrows stubble already coming through. I guided his head towards mine and kissed his lips, his lips were softer than his skin. I felt his hands gently on my waist. His touch on my body was welcomed. I kissed his neck and unbuttoned his shirt, his chest was smooth, and cool to the touch.

"You want this?" His voice was thick with emotion.

"I do" I breathed back.

With that go ahead, kendall found his way in to my black Calvin klein dress, and it was soon laying strewn on the floor, he gazed my body all over.

His face was anxious, and I got the impression kendall had wanted this for a while.

He toyed with my bra strap, almost teasing himself with it.

I ran my fingers through his unruly hair, then took his shirt off. I un cloaked him from his panty necklace from the party too.

He lay back on the bed, and pulled me on top of him, I kissed his chest as he un hooked my bra

The moment was perfect, making love with Kendall seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do.

There was no awkward moment after, everything felt natural.

We got in to bed, and layed together. I could hear kendalls heart beat. It sounded almost magical.

He played with my hand with his fingers, etching out imaginary circles with them.

"I've had feelings for you for a while you know" he admitted.

"I had no idea kendall" I said looking up at him.

"Do you think you will regret this in the morning?" he looked away from my face as he spoke.

I thought about it. would i regret this? I didnt feel any regret at the face facts, I spent the entire evening in kendalls company, and only ever felt joy, thats how i always felt when i was with him. Plus he was 21 now. It wouldnt be frowned apon as such. I've had worse scandals...

"Nope 100% unregrettable. I do believe" I followed it up with a slow kiss on his lips. Then rested my head back to his brushed his unruly hair back with his hand and smiled


	6. Chapter 6

The morning after the night before was even better than the night.

Kendall and I didn't sleep at all, we talked til morning about everything and anything.

We had sex again too.

It was just approaching 9am, I was still very much entangled with kendalls body when his alarm sounded.

"Damn I gotta get ready, I'm meeting my mom at 10 for breakfast" he tried to free himself from our tangle.

I made a sad face at him."Will you be back home tonight?" I asked.

"Yes I will" he kissed my forehead as he got out of bed."Is that your way of requesting my company again miss Lloyd?"

"It might be Mr Schmidt" I toyed.

He climbed back in the bed on top of me.

"In that case I will see you at 7:30" and he kissed my neck seductivly, working his way up to my mouth to give me a parting gift kiss with his tongue.

His sweet cool breath on my face made me light headed.

He made his exit to the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on.

Wow!

Time to collect my thoughts. Definitely no regrets still in them. I glanced to the window, another beautiful day was beginning in LA.

I wondered if kendall wanted this to be a regular thing? Like a couple thing?

Geez calm down sheriden, its only been one night... One night! and my feelings for kendall had totally flipped round and upside down. It made my heart ache for him just thinking about it.

Jesus how can I just suddenly be in love with the guy.

Kendall had said he felt strong for me for a while, had I felt strong for him too without even realising it? I got out of bed and spied my clothes on the floor.

Kendall must have lobbed my bra off in all his haste. I found it almost over the other side of the room.

I giggled to myself, and climbed back in to my Calvin Klein dress and buckled my shoes back on. I shoved my underwear in my purse, no one will no if I'm commando under here I thought.

Kendall emerged from the bathroom, his hair a damp scruffy mess on his head, and wearing only a towel around his waste.

His beautiful green eyes smiling at me."Hope you were going to say goodbye?" he smirked.

I strutted over to him, kissed him on the lips."I think I may be a bit in love with you right now kendall".

Our heights matched now I had my shoes on. His eyes shot through me like bullets.

He smiled his American smile at me.

"Wait two minutes and I will walk you down to your car". He said.

He quickly dressed, and towel dried his hair. He didn't take my hand once we were out of the safety of his hotel room, but I slyly slid my hand in his palm as we got in the elevator.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted this public?" He raised our clenched hands to point at them with his other.

"public is cool" I whispered.

Kendall laughed and looked up to the elevator ceiling grinning.

Walking through the hotel lobby with kendall holding my hand and wearing last nights party clothes was exhilarating stuff. I had held his hand a bunch of times, but it was always at some function of some description, it had never just been for fun, and this was fun. I could just see the headlines now read "sheriden lloyd bags toy boy" .

Ah what the hey! We made our way across the lobby and in to the car park elevator. Kendall seemed nervous.

"All okay in there" I questioned.

He smiled, "yeah all fine, my heart feels like its going to explode".

I laughed out loud. "Your first public scandal, its gonna be rough" I teased.

Kendall pulled me in towards him and kissed me slow and sensual, biting my lip as he broke free, his hand on my waist slipped further down, giving my bum a circular stroke. He then realised I had no underwear on and gave me a gentle pat before he gave out a chuckle. My face flushed, and welcomed the elevator doors opening in to the dimly lit parking lot.

We found my Mercedes.

"See you tonight?" His blond eyebrows high with hope.

"7:30 as agreed" I promised.

I found the key fob in my purse and pushed the button to unlock the opened the door for me.

He kissed me on the cheek as I walked up to the open door.

"See you sheriden" his voice almost a whisper, he closed my door for me, I started the engine and gave him a nod of my head before driving off.

He was still stood there as I checked my mirror before turning out of the lot.

As I returned home, I could hear the beep of my answer machine, I wasn't in the mood to be bogged down by work just yet, it had been so long since I felt care free, I wanted to enjoy it. I ran a bath, turned some music on. I found my cell to check Twitter quick, some party pictures had made their way on already. But nothing of great interest for me, I got in the bath and drifted away.

I ended up having spent half the morning in the bath, by the time I was out and dressed it was near on lunch, I listened to my answer machine, James had left me one asking what time I'm getting to the party and that he wouldn't forget the guitar for kendall. I presumed he just covered all angles seeing as he had sent a similar text.

I wondered why kacey hadn't gone in the end, his text definitely mentioned her.

I wondered what he would make of me seeing kendall. He found the brief idea of me and Logan hysterical.

I rummaged through the fridge for something I might find tempting. My stomach and head still didn't feel great from the shots I had last Night, so I just settled on some grapes for now. I spun my phone in my hand, do I or don't I tell Carlos about kendall?

I decided not to.

I liked it being the kendall and sheriden show for now. We didn't need any extras just yet.

I grabbed my keys and left for work.

The drive home from work was hot. I fiddled with my air con, but it must of died on me.

When I got home I needed to shower, I got my clothes out ready for my date with kendall, just simple, white shorts and a floral top. I did my hair in a scruffy bun, found a nice pair of sparkly sandals and left the house for kendalls.

Kendall lived just over half hours drive from my house, he lived in a posh looking rented town house. I had been there only a handful of times. His house was homely, the only expenses he had really splashed out on for his home were the electronic gadgets and a cleaning lady, kendall had the reputation of being messy. I know Carlos constantly moaned about kendalls bad habits.

I pulled in to the drive and parked up. I gave my hair one last check in my mirror.

As I walked up to kendalls door I panicked that maybe he had decided it was all a mistake. I wished I had called him before I left the door opened before I reached it, and kendall stood in the doorway smiling. He wore a black tee and red cargo pants. His blond hair swept over his face, some strays covering his eyes. He looked at ease.

Why would I ever of worried. This is kendall I was talking about after all.

"Miss Lloyd, I do believe your early" he jested.

"Hello handsome" I kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Come on in" he had a cheeky smirk on his face.

I surveyed kendalls home with new eyes. a huge cream long piled rug filled the room, there was a large glass topped black table that looked like it had been pushed to one side to house a games controller for easier reach from the couch. His flat screen tv had a playstation game paused on it. He must of heard my car pull up to drag himself away from that.

To my surprise Kevin, kendalls brother walked in the room holding a soda in one hand and a glass in the other, he had a bag of chips clenched between his teeth. He sat down on the black leather couch and took the chips from his mouth.

"Hi" he said as he picked up the games controller.

"Hi" I replied with a small wave of my hand.

Kendall ushered me through to the kitchen. The kitchen had white units and a black marble top, the whiteness of the units made the kitchen feel bigger than it was.

"sorry I didn't realise you had a guest" .

"Well its only my brother for now, but some of the boys will be 'round later. They kind of talked me in to it. I didn't know kev was gonna be staying till I got back here quick after lunch".

He looked embarrassed that he had momentarely cocked our first date up.

"I would of called you but I didn't want to put you off. Your the only thing that's kept me going today" he rubbed the side of my face with his hand.

"No its my fault, I just assumed when you said you would be home you would be alone, it doesn't matter that you're not" I caressed his arm.

"We could go out?" he offered.

"No kendall honestly, I'm good for this, I know its early days but I really want this to work, and that usually entails people knowing, so..." I pulled him in for a kiss."Why don't you start with your brother" I entwined his fingers with mine.

"Kev already knows sheriden" he looked at his feet like a naughty school boy.

"Well... that's good," I lifted his chin and smiled at him, his beautiful eyes smiled back."Are you ready to let people know? I mean if you've changed your mind its cool, we can still go back to how we were". My smile had faded a fraction as i spoke.

"No way, I want this so bad, I want you so bad, I just don't wanna scare you off by coming on to fast". His own honesty had embarrassed him.

"Kendall I'm a big girl, your thinking about stuff to much, I'm just me remember, not the girl they print shit about in the press. Just sheriden, you can't always please every one, but I need to know you can try to at least cope with this situation... I don't wanna lose you to the trolls in the papers or the fake friends in your life that pass judgements"

"I'll be fine" he kissed my nose and walked over to his fridge."Drink?" He waved a soda in my direction.

"Sure, thanks" I replied.

He walked back to me and put the drinks on the counter top, he pushed his body in to mine, I was backed up against his kitchen counter.

He kissed my neck. It felt cool on my warm skin and sent shivers down my spine. He moved to my lips, letting my tongue slip inside him. He felt so gentle, my heart ached.

His arms wrapped themselves around my tiny waist and visions of last night came flooding back to me, his tongue felt more seductive now, he was teasing me with it.

"What the fuck is this?!" Carlos yelled as he entered the kitchen.

Kendall was glued to the spot. He never mentioned Carlos to me in his fears of people not wanting us to be together, but I knew Carlos would of been on the top of his list.

"Hey los" I chided.

"Dont hey los me, why didn't you guys just tell me?" He seemed annoyed."Well..." I looked at kendall, and continued "...its a very new development" I added a wry smile to my face.

"Well I wish you had of warned me at least". He snapped.

"So... so what do you..think?" Kendall mumbled.

"I think your way out your league kendall. And I think the press are gonna beat you down" Carlos argued.

"Carlos, may I just say that I really don't give a shit what you think" My adopted American accent from my years here faded from my voice as it snapped at Carlos.

Kendall took my hand to try calm me down, Carlos eyed this kind gesture with scepticism. After what seem like an eternity of silence Carlos spoke.

"she could do worse I Spose" he paused to think.

"don't fuck her about, I don't want it weird between us!" he added, He then gave a weak smile and left the kitchen.

Well if Carlos was at the top of kendalls list, I would say the rest would be easy.

"He must really like you" I giggled and gave kendall an excited squeeze.

Kendall let out a laugh, grabbed the sodas and my hand and walked me to the living area on the opposite black leather couch to where Kevin and Carlos were playing their basketball game.

"It's weird! gonna take me a while to get used to seeing you two together like that" Carlos said as he shifted in his seat as he spoke but didn't move his eyes from the flatscreen.

"Carlos YOUR weird, but I don't tell you how to live your life, or what girls to date"

My immature comment made Carlos look away from the screen. He tried not to, but he let out a laugh.

A knock came to the large glazed front door of the house. My heart pounded, I could do with out James' ridicule right now, and wished I had taken kendall up on his offer of going out.

Kendall left my side to answer the door, and relief washed over me as I saw Logan and dustin walk in. dustin was one of the guitarists from the boys band, he was also part of our unconventional family, I knew him well.

Kendall walked them through to the kitchen. I could hear them swapping tales of last nights party.

Carlos and Kevin were exchanging basketball insults, and complaining to the flatscreen.

I briefly thought about feigning ill to escape this awkward evening, but then reminded myself of what I had just said to kendall about handling the situation. I would ride it out. Just hope James would go easy on me when he arrived.

Just after 11 the boys decided to call it a night from the playstation.

The evening went smoothly really, Carlos had a laugh with me, Kevin seemed nice, we had made some small talk in the kitchen. I think he was expecting me to be wilder, but I didn't feel any dissaproval coming from his tone about me dating his brother.

Logan and dustin didn't seem too fascinated by the new turn of events. I got the impression Logan knew this would happen, maybe kendall had once told him he liked me more than a friend.I recalled Logan and mines conversation in the car yesterday, and the look he had given me when he asked if I was looking forward to the party, that made my mind up that Logan must of known something.

I stood up from the black couch to say some farewells, Kendalls guests left with a flurry of cheek kisses towards me, and some brotherly hugs between the boys. Kevin made some awkward chit chat before declaring that it was his bed time.

My mind flashed to james. I wondered why he hadn't come. I didn't ask kendall, I knew he must still think James and I had slept together when he didn't return to his hotel room in Florida all those months ago.

I really should clear that up with kendall, but that story can wait for another day.

"Alone at last" kendall sighed.

He took both my hands and pulled me in for a kiss.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" I probed him with my finger.

"No that was nice" he smiled.

"Are you up early tomorrow?" His eyes scanning my face.

I grinned, letting him know I had decoded his intentions.

"Erm...fairly early, but I think I might be able to lose a bit of sleep if it means I can be with you" I replied.

Kendall laughed. I kissed his chest through his black tee, then pulled him over to the couch.

He seemed shy today, I guessed the alcohol in his system helped him out last night. I tugged at his tee, he got the message and took it off.

Kendall was medium in build, he played sports more than working out, but he was at ease with his own body, his lightly tanned skin felt good to touch.

I kissed his chest, he gave out a small moan. I had to hand it to him, kendall handled sleeping with an ex supermodel well. I didn't intimidate him one bit, and I loved that.

As once again things got hot and heavy and clothing got removed, we ended up on the cream rug having the most romantic sex I had ever witnessed.

Kendalls body movement steady and slow, he felt so good, waves of pleasure entering my body. I had lost control of my vocal chords, and moans of pleasure escaped my lips.


	7. Chapter 7

"Can you stay the night?" Kendall asked as he got his shirt back on.

"I could but I'm up at 7, and I think you could do with a decent lay in, so il drive back tonight" i replied as I Tidied my hair and un creased clothes in a mirror that was next to the front door.

"Yeah that does sound good actually" he said scratching his head.

"Im guessing I won't see you for a couple of days now?" I looked at his reflection in the mirror as I spoke.

"well I'm back on set for the show tomorrow, but I don't mind the late nights, if you wanna hook up?" He replied as he sat down on the couch previously occupied by Kevin and Carlos.

"sure I'm up for some late nights. I can't tomorrow though it will be way too late by the time I get back home, I've got a client meeting in san Diego... Shit that reminds me I need to phone Ralph about my air con" I rummaged in my bag for my cell.

"Ralph?" kendall smirked.

"Yeah, Ralph looks after my cars for me, do you think its too late to call? I really need that air con fixed early tomorrow" I tipped the contents of my bag on the glass topped table."Shoot, I must of left my cell at home" I rolled my eyes at my own annoyance.

"Here, use mine" kendall felt in his pocket and pulled out his iphone.

"No its no good. I don't know the number off by heart" I began refilling my purse."Il just take the 4x4, its a pain in the Ass to drive, but at least it will be cool inside" I added.

I stood up straight with my purse full again, and pulled kendall to his feet off the couch.

"Well I best get going" I circled my thumb in his hand.

"Are you sure you won't stay" he looked right through me with those green eyes.

I gave him a thoughtful look, "I'll call you tomorrow okay, I expect my cell is about somewhere. tonight was amazing"

I gave him a gentle kiss on the lips and reached for the door.

"love you shoo" kendall whispered.

I smiled at him glad he had finally said it back.

The drive home went by quick, my head full of so many thoughts that were all so new to me. Once home I headed straight for bed, I was shattered. I got changed in to some light cotton pyjamas.

I briefly acknowledged my cell phone on top of my clothes chest and tutted to myself.

I set my bed side clock for 7 then drifted off to sleep.

I got woken up by my cellphone ringing. I checked the time on the bed side clock which read 6:15, so I thought who ever that was can call back in 45 minutes, and drifted back to sleep, but only minutes had passed when I heard the door chime play.

Jesus! Do I never get a moments peace! I hauled my over tired body out of bed and grabbed my hot pink dressing gown, I put it on as I went down the stairs towards the door.

"James? What are you doing here". I said as I tried to tame my bed head hair.

"Well I guess this explains why you didn't bother to call me back yesterday, you could of said, instead of making me look like a complete dick" he moaned as he shoved a copy of the L.A. times in to my chest, I took it, and looked at the front page.

My heart sank, a full colour picture of kendall and I kissing.

The picture was taken from a stillshot of a cctv camera in the parking lot elevator from the hotel, the paper boasted that if you went on line you could watch the 1 minute 37 second full video of our lift antics.

Shit!

I was confused, I didn't get why James was that pissed at me he felt the need to come round this early, and bite my head off.

"Why are you yelling at me James?" I walked in to my lounge, and sat down, he followed but he wouldn't sit.

"I called you like a million times yesterday, I left loads of messages. Kacey and me are finished" he said

"Shit I'm so sorry James, I left my cell at home last night" I got up from my seat to go get my phone from upstairs. James grabbed my hand, his grip almost hurt.

"That is a mistake you are making!" he hissed as he pointed to the picture of me and kendall in the paper.

He let go of my hand and walked out the room. I heard my front door slam shut and looked out the window to see James speed off in his truck.

Fuck, what the hell was all that about. I scanned through the paper to read the entire story, apparently, according story kendall and I had been together for weeks, but we kept it on the down low, jays picture was in a small inset in the corner of the story.

They described him as an old on off love interest of mine. And then listed a few of the names I had been linked with since his death.

I chucked the paper on the floor, and sat down with my head in my hands.

"Cell" I spoke aloud to myself and got up to go listen to the broken hearted moans of how kacey had dumped James.

As I finished listening to the voicemail messages James had left me I felt sick.

He had left 6 in total and tried to phone me 14 times.

It wasnt as simple as I thought.

Kacey had not dumped James, it was him that had ended it between them. And according to his other messages it was all because of me.

The first message told how him and kacey hadn't been great for a while, and he was sick of the arguements, I presumed this is why she was absent from kendalls birthday celebrations.

His 4th voicemail that was left, told of his feelings for me, he said he loved me, he always had and he would do anything for me. He begged me to call him back.

The 5th message he left was mostly of incoherent ramblings which I couldn't always follow, but apparently Carlos had some choice words with James at kendalls party. after James had declared his true intentions about me to him, Carlos was pissed with James, saying how can he be serious about me when he was still very much with kacey and that's why he had left early.

The last message was the worst. He was tearful, sounded drunk, and pleaded with me to call him, even if its to say to get lost. He said he had never lost touch of our connection. Then the message ended.

those last words took me back to cocoa beach, with the still ocean, and the nerves in my stomach sitting on that blanket with James.

Shit!

I was running very late now, I had to get my ass in gear and get to san Diego,

I pushed James from my mind and showered and dressed. I forced some cereal in me, I felt sick to the stomach, but I didnt want the papers running a story of anorexia on me, that would just send me over the top.

I decided to pay James a quick visit before I left for san Diego, I didn't want to tell kendall anything he didn't need to know and cause a rift between them.

I briefly wondered how different kendalls 21st could of been if Carlos hadn't had words with James which made him leave.

I pulled up outside James' just after 8:30, I didn't have to be in san Diego untill midday, so hopefully traffic would be kind and I will make it in plenty of time.

I rang the bell, James lived in a large bungalow style house, it was very modern, had a huge drive that was littered with old trucks he was doing up, and had a large double garage to the side of the was no answer.

I got half way back to my car when I heard his front door click open.

"Hey" he said quietly.

"Hey you", I replied. "Can i come in?"

"Sure" he moved from the door to Invite me in.

We walked in, inside James' house was very neat. Open plan and designer, he had an eye for detail, all his furniture flowed through his home.

He sat down on the edge of an oak coffee table in the living area and put his head in his hands.

I sat on the L shaped sofa that dominated the room, it had corded cushions and a leather base. I toyed with the cordoruy between my fingers in an to attempt to calm my heart rate down.

"Did you listen to the messages?" He asked, still with his face covered.

"Yeah I did" I looked at the floor."James..." my voice cracked "you know how I feel about you, but I can't just drop everything" I looked at the top of James' head as he rubbed his temple with his thumbs.

"I didn't know there was anything to drop" he said through gritted teeth.

"Hey" my voice was soft.

I went over to him and crouched down to his level and pryed his hands away from his face.

"Nor did I James, thats the thing, kendall and me have only been going for 2 days, I had no clue what was going on in your head at all"

He shrugged.

"I can't just let kendall down because you want a new girlfriend, I feel strongly for him" I explained.

James looked up to me.

"Do you love him?" His voice was soft and shook.

"I think I might , yeah." I rubbed his loosened me from my hold on his hands to wipe his eyes.

"You know what?" He asked "I love you" silent tears left his eyes as he blinked.

"I had no idea James, least not that much of an idea anyway" I replied with a little grin.

he gave a sad smile, I presume he was thinking of the sly cheek/lips kiss we often did.

"Have you told anyone all this. what's been going on in that head of yours...kacey?" I spoke her name cautiously.

"No only Carlos, but he doesn't think there is anything in it, he just assumes I want to conquer you."

He grabbed my hands and held them to his face.

"So what did you tell kacey? You must of given her a reason?" I stroked his face to try to sooth him.

"Just that I wasn't feeling it no more" he placed my hands on my lap and let go.

I checked my watch, it had gone 9 now.

"You gotta be somewhere?" He said standing up from the table edge.

I took his place where he had sat."Yeah, San Diego, I gotta get moving or im gonna be late." I sighed.

"James are you going to tell kendall how you feel?" I looked at the grey and white swirly patterned rug at my feet.

"I gotta go back on set with him today" he paced the floor.

"Yeah I know you do" I stood up, the swirls were making my head spin.

"You really think you love him?" He stopped to look at my face.

"Yeah I do... I'm sorry" I looked back to the swirls, a spinning head was better than the heart break I could see in those beautiful brown eyes.

"I won't say a word sheri" he walked towards me and wrapped his strong arms around me. He kissed the top of my head.

"I'm so sorry" I spoke in to his chest, he held me tighter.

He walked me to my 4x4 in his drive."Take care sheriden" he said as he opened up my door.

"Call me if you need to talk James okay...Promise" I gave him a stern look.

"I promise" and he walked away in to the house.

The traffic had allowed me time to get to san Diego with ease. I was meeting up with some local fashion designers, they wanted my models to campaign there clothes and accessories for them and I needed to seal the deal today with a meeting and contract signing followed by a dinner date for good measure.

It had been a while since I had head lined a paper. I was glad in the end that James showed me it, I wouldnt of had a clue other wise untill someone else would of mentioned my latest scandal.

I decided to get a coffee before my meeting and phone kendall, he shouldn't of left for the set just yet.

I got back in the 4x4 with my coffee and a chocolate chip muffin. I figured the sugar intake would do me good.

I fished my cell out my purse and dialled kendalls number.

He answered after a few rings:

"hi shoo" he sounded happy, so at least James hadn't complicated things for him.

"hi, listen...have you seen the news today?" I picked at my muffin.

He laughed "yeah I seen it, does it bother you?"

"No not really, just a bit of a blush fest isn't it? I picked crumbs off my top and tossed them out the window.

"Yeah my mom called me to see if it was true" he let out a forced chuckle.

"Was she alright about it or..." I smoothed the steering wheel with my thumb.

"She was...concerned ha!" He had chosen his words well. He continued, "look sheriden, don't worry okay, everything is great, and besides its more about James now" He said.

I froze. "What do you mean about James?"

I removed my muffin from my lap, my appetite had died.

"You not been online? It's all over Twitter. He finished it with kacey and she has lost the plot, she has sparked some kind of internet rampage on him. I tried calling him but no answer as yet"

I sighed, poor James.

"Oh" was all i could manage out.

"She's not done herself any favours, there is already twitter hate campaigns going on against her, she is gonna ruin her record signing. I thought they was going good?" he paused.

"Sheriden you sure you okay?" His voice full of concern.

"Yeah ...yeah I'm fine, just needed to hear your voice, been a crazy kind of morning" I faked out a giggle to ease his worry.

"Yeah its good to hear you too, I'm leaving in a bit though, so gonna have to love you and leave you" he mocked a sad voice but his words made me smile.

"Aww you love me?" My voice went up an octave.

He laughed "I may be a little smitten with you, yes" his words made my heart ache.

"I like smitten" my stomach had made room for butterflies to fill it.

Kendall laughed "im gonna have to go now, call you later?"

I groaned at his departing words.

"Yeah! I'll look forward to it. I'm seeing you tomorrow night too yeah?" I placed my muffin back on my lap.

"Yeah about ten though, is that cool?"

His voice was sceptic.

"Yeah its better than nothing, come to mine okay" I began to pick at the muffin again.

"Sure, that's fine, I'll talk to you later sheriden...I love you"

i could here the smile in his voice.

My heart melted.

"Love you too, speak soon", I Hung up my phone, and stretched my arms over the back of the head rest with a smile on my face.

He loves me i thought. And shook my head with a giggle.

My head came back to earth with thoughts of james. I felt so bad for him, he didnt deserve any of kaceys shit. He was one in a million, and she had punched well above her weight to snag him in the first place.

My day had gone as I had wished and I had made it home just before Midnite. I sat in the lounge.

House keeping must of had a giggle at my expense today as the news paper I tossed on the floor was now neatly stored on my side cabinet.

I grabbed my laptop and switched it on, my internet home page boasted a picture of myself, I sighed.

I signed in to Twitter to check the latest on james. People had trended some hash tag topics about him, most of the comments were in his favour, some not so.

I checked my cell, he hadn't phoned, so i guess he was doing okay.

For the first time since I had properly met James I wished he didn't have that electric hold on me. The connection between us now seemed to be stabbing me in the heart.

I'll call him just to make sure he's okay I thought.

I pressed his name on my cell and it rang.

"...Sheriden?" He sounded rough.

"hey, sorry did I wake you?" I wish I'd of left it til morning to call now.

"Ya its cool though, how you doin?" His voice had cleared.

"I'm okay yeah, just wanted to check you were alright, I was worried about you" my heart was pounding in my chest.

"I'm...okay too..you know?" His hesitance bothered me,

"You... wanna come over and talk it to death? ...I feel I owe you james"

"You don't owe me anything sheri, but a chat sounds good...if your sure?" His tone perked up.

"Yeah its fine, course its fine but just a chat though yeah, no hidden agendas"

Shit was this a mistake?

"Yeah I know... I'll be round in ten" he agreed.

"Okay bye" I replied

"Bye" came his departing words.

Maybe this was a massive mistake, what was I thinking? its just tempting fate.

James and I talked til gone 3. He seemed a lot chirpier than he did the previous morning. He was very honest with me and told me exactly how he felt, the words he used to describe it reminded me of kendalls love song that he sang to me just a few nights before.

I was honest with James too, I admitted things to him that I hadnt even admitted to my self before, turned out I was pretty hooked on him also, once all the emotional things had been talked through we kind of slipped back in to our old habits of flirty comments and private looks at each other as we shared some crazy memories.

I felt happy. He didn't mention kendall, so nor did I.

I woke up late in the afternoon the next day. I layed in bed with a thousand thoughts in my head.

I was so glad James came over last night, hopefully things will start to get back to some kind of normality now.

And tonight was my night with kendall, my stomach filled with butterflies at the thought of it.

The day dragged like a rock, but kendall had just pulled up in to my driveway, I pretty much skipped to the door. I opened it before he could ring the chime.

I leapt in to him, my arms and legs wrapped tightly around him.

"Hello" he said with a smile and I shut the door with a kick of my foot which dangled behind kendall.

Kendall and I made it up stairs to my bedroom, he had never been in it before, I saw his eyes patrol all the details they could.

my room was full of white furniture, the bed had a huge white iron head board, the dressing table was antique with queen anne style legs with an ornate mirror on top which I could see our reflection in.

He scanned a black and white picture of myself on the wall, it was big, and was of me strutting down the catwalk wearing a Gucci dress and I donned huge feathers in my hair.

I wasn't in the mood to mess about tonight, the thought of kendall coming over had given me unmentionable thoughts all day.

I removed his clothes in a flash, and let him undress me, again he toyed with my brazier, kendall was definitely a breast man. He layed me down after he had freed me from my underwear, I could feel my body throb for him, and pulled him on top to enter me... After we had made love I layed in his arms.

"We are pretty intense hey" I thought out loud.

"Yeah, we are, but I like it" he kissed me on the forehead.

"Sheriden how much do you miss the runway?" He was looking at my picture on the wall.

"I would be lying if I said not much, put it that way" I looked at the picture too.

"Do you think I'm vain for having that up? I raised my eyebrows.

"No, just I've never really heard you talk about it, or your skiing accident" his words made me think of James, i always ended up calling james if ever I needed a shoulder to cry on which most the time was about me missing the catwalk or the pain in my back had gotten so bad i needed a friend to hug, sometimes it was also about jay...

"There's not much to tell" I lied.

"How long were you in hospital for?" The hand of the arm he had wrapped around me now stroked my scar with his fingers.

"9 weeks" I sighed.

"Your an amazing girl you know" he kissed my head again.

"Are you still coming with me to the K.V.A next week?" His voice more upbeat at the change of conversation.

The K.V.A's are the "kids vote awards" a yearly run red carpet award ceremony run by the boys cable channel in which the viewers vote for there favorite show.

"Yes I'm still going, if that's still okay?" I poked him in the stomach with my finger.

"Cool I get to publicly show you off for the first time then" he smirked.

"yes you will, I promise to behave and not embarrass you" I twirled my finger round his nipple. He smiled and looked up at the ceiling.


	8. Chapter 8

The week swam by to the day of the K.V.A's the boys turned up together and greeted fans that were outside, they won two awards, did interviews and generally messed around in a half in half out form of there comedy characters from the show.

we arrived at the after party just after 9pm, it was nice to relax and mingle together with other stars from all the shows and the guests from the awards ceremony.

Kendall sure wasn't joking when he said he wanted to show me off, he held my hand and paraded me round to nearly everyone he had ever met that was at the party. I found it fairly amusing.

If he couldn't believe that I had sat next to him on a mini bus down to miami then he must be in seventh heaven right now.

The after party was in a huge room, low lighting and a live band playing for our entertainment. There were a few white clothed tables scattered about but mostly people were stood chatting or dancing.

The alcohol was flowing well that night, Logan for example had been having far too much fun and was put in a limo and sent on his way home after he fell over trying to sit down at a table, he spilt drinks everywhere, I expect he will be very red faced tomorrow.

I noticed James talking to some boys in a band. He winked at me. I think he was trying to avoid me and kendall like the plague. kendall didn't know this though so james couldn't exactly run away when we came towards him.

I went to give James his usual hug and kiss, the kiss this time was most definitely on the cheek, so far on the cheek he almost kissed my ear.

I couldnt help but smile, James did too then he had to look at the floor to compose himself from laughing.

We chatted about just stuff in general and the two of them were joined by carlos and a guy with a camera, they jumped all over each other goofing off for the camera, and pulling odd faces. The camera guy took some of me and kendall, and tammi and carlos, James hadnt brought a date, I was pleased.

The camera guy left us to it and we stood chatting for a while, people kept coming up to talk to the boys.

I was so proud of all of them, they had really cracked it now, and the hype they generated about the third season of the show they were currently filming was amazing.

Before I even knew what had happened, tammi who had been stood next to me got shoved in to my side and covered in her own drink then fell to the floor. I helped pick her up, and could hear screaming coming from our group.

It was kacey, she was in James' face screaming abuse at him, accusing him of ruining her career.

James tried to walk away but kacey had a firm grip of his wrist.

"Oi you crazy Bitch" tammi shouted.

"Fuck off" kacey slurred her words back at tammi.

James was so calm, he didn't look like he had any fight left in him.

He wouldn't even look at kaceys face.

No one really knew what to do, I think carlos had gone to try and find was trying to yank kaceys hand off of James.

I had never liked tammi, but right this minute I loved her.

Kendall was trying to talk to kacey to make her see sense and James just looked at me. His face drawn, just staring in to my eyes whilst being pushed about by a drunken insane ex.

Tammi managed to break the contact of kacey and James but kacey had gone mad, she shoved tammi back over on the floor then gave James an almighty slap round the face.

She must of given it her all as she ended up on the floor too. Then tammi had her turn, she started screaming and pulling at kaceys hair.

I noticed James had just walked pulled tammi off of kacey.

I thought of Logan, at least he wouldn't take the butt of the gossip now this had happened.

I couldn't see James anywhere.

The entire incident only lasted a minute or more but it seemed to go on forever.

Security had finally got involved, kendall took my hand and steered me away from the drama.

"Where's James gone?" I searched the crowds.

"I don't know baby" kendall also scanned the groups of people.

"I cant let him go like that" I pulled kendall by the hand to the far side of the room, I shoved my hand in my purse and pulled out my cell.

My hands where shaking, I dialled James' number, it rang out.

I was getting myself in a panic.

"Sheriden...sheriden, look at me!" Kendall took my head in his hands."We will find him, calm down" he rubbed my face.

"Kendall can we go? I cant stay here" my eyes welled.

"Sure we can, cmon we will try James again in a minute". he gave me sympathetic smile.

We walked through the doors to the red carpeted foyer.

The air was fresher out here, but still filled with people. Kendall nudged me, I looked at him and he nodded in direction, I followed his gaze and saw Carlos stood with James.

Carlos looked so small stood next to him. I pulled kendall over to glanced at mine and kendalls hands entwined together I let go and grabbed James' face and turned it to look at his slapped cheek.

"Shit" I heard kendall say behind me as he too looked at the cheek.

James' face was already starting to bruise. It was red and looked raw.

"Jesus!" I said, our group was momentarily in silence.

"Back to mine?" Kendall spoke up to break the awkwardness.

"Yeah il go get tammi" Carlos said and walked off.

The three of us stood in silence, kendall had taken my hand again. I don't think any of us could take in the nights events.

I nudged kendall and put my cell in his hand mouthing the word "cab", he took it and walked off to a quieter corner.

"James?" I said in a whisper, a tear escaped from my face.

James just looked at me.

"Please, just say something, anything?" I wiped my face.

"Let's get drunk?" his voice was husky.

I took his hand and pulled him to a set of steps just to the side of where we had stood, we sat down.

"Drinking isn't going to make any of that go away" I looked up at kendall who was still on my phone talking.

"You haven't done anything wrong, and all you gotta do now is keep your temper cool, and your mouth shut, kacey wants a reaction from you, if you don't rise to it then its only a one sided drama." I stroked his arm.

"Why are you so upset about all this anyways?" His eyes bore deep inside me as he spoke.

"...Shock? And 'cause it hurt me seeing you there like that"

I bent my back in an inwards stretch.

"Is it hurting?" James surveyed my body movements.

"Yeah, twinges a bit, tammi knocked in to me when she fell down", I gave my scar a rub.

Kendall walked back over and sat next to me on the steps.

"Our car will be here in a few minutes" he fiddled with a loose thread on his shoe.

"Thanks man, sorry about all this...kacey is fucking nuts" James said as he stared at kendalls efforts to remove the thread.

Carlos and tammi came out of the after party doors and stood talking to a tall bald man who I didnt recognise, tammi was very vocal still and moving her hands in the air to emphasize what ever she was describing.

The tall man seemed sympathetic towards her. And he gave carlos a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"Who's the tall guy" I directed my question to both my companions either side of me.

"That's Ed harris, he is the parent of the production company, I expect he has seen this kind of thing a thousand times" kendall gave James an it doesn't matter look as he said this.

Kendall slung an arm around my shoulders, and gave my cheek a kiss, it felt nice, I was wound so tight.

James put his head in his hands and winced realising the pain from his face.

He stood up.

Carlos and tammi came over just as our car had arrived and we set off to kendalls.

Kendalls home had become a familiar surrounding for me in the last week or so, I had stayed over pretty much every night which was easier for him to look after his many pets.

I had a few essentials stored in kendalls room in an overnight bag, when we arrived at his house I left the guys and tammi by the pool in the back yard, I went up to kendalls bedroom to get changed from my green sequined halter neck dress, it was long and sleek looking. In emerald green it had looked beautiful against my dark tanned skin.

I changed in to one of my bikinis that lived at kendalls, it was white and strapless, a swim I thought, would ease my back pain. I picked another one out to offer to tammi, normally i would of just left her out, but I liked her this evening after her couragious efforts to intervene with kacey and James, i knew she had only done what she did for her own revenge, but it meant something else for me.

I padded bare foot through the house to the garden, handed tammi the bikini, she took it with a surprised smile and went off in to the house.

I saw James looking at me as I entered the pool, his eyes wondered over every inch of my body.

The water was warm and gave my back relief almost instantly. The cool night air felt fresh on my wet face.

I swam over to the edge of the pool where the boys were sat, kendall and Carlos sat with there trousers pulled up and their feet in the water, james was sat forwards in a sun lounger.

"Filmings gonna be postponed for a bit I reckon. No way any make up will cover that up on your face James" Carlos was mid flow in his conversation.

James ran a finger over the ever growing purple bruise on his adonis like face.

He sighed and layed back in his chair with his arms slumped by his side looking at the stars.

"Don't worry bout it, not your fault. At least it will be gone in time for canada" kendall tried to sound up beat about the planned canadian trip in which the guys will film a feature length movie of there show based on the beatles.

Tammi came back outside and got in the pool, she swam over to us.

"I'm gonna get changed, do you guys want some shorts?" kendall gave my head a kiss as he got up and walked in to the house.

Carlos got up and followed him in as his response to the borrowed swim wear. James didn't move or respond.

"I can't believe kacey tonight, what a crazy bitch she was" I nudged and frowned at tammi to remind her of james' presence.

She rolled her eyes and swam off.

"You not coming in?" I splashed water at James.

He sat up."You look hot in that" was his reply.

"Shit James, shut the fuck up" I hissed, I glanced over to tammi to see if she had heard his comment, she was oblivious.

James stood up and started getting undressed, he got down to his boxers and bombed in the pool, a few seconds after carlos did the same but with a loud whoop whoop for good measure, him and tammi were now all over each other.

Kendall poked his head through the door

"Drinks?" He shouted, Four replys came his way all amounting to yesses.

I was still at the side of the pool with my arms rested over the edge where kendall had left me.

James swam up beside me.

"Hows the back?" He mused.

"It's okay, the water helps" I wiped some wet hair from my face.

James held my waist and gently turned me so my back was facing him, he massaged me in the area of my scar, his thumbs pressing in to my skin under the water.

His touch felt magnetic to my pain, his fingers easing the pressure. I closed my eyes to take in the combined pleasure of the warm water and james' incredible touch.

"All okay?" Kendall said, i opened my eyes to see he was stood over us.

James let go of my body.

"Yeah... my back...that's all" I carried on rubbing it myself.

Kendall had already placed a tray of drinks on a table. Then got in the pool and pulled himself in to my body.

He kissed my lips slowly then the tip of my nose.

"I love you" he fitted in as he kissed me again.

"I love you too baby" I spoke in a hushed tone aware of James' eyes and ears on us from just a few feet away.

We finished the night off nicely, just messing about and having a laugh, it diffused the tension from the nights drama with kacey.


	9. Chapter 9

Six weeks had passed since the night of the K.V.A's, James wasn't allowed on set to finish filming season 3 untill his face had healed, and I had attempted to ignore my back for a week or more but had to take time off work because the co-codomol tablets I took for the pain made my head spin so much, they knocked me for six.

James and I had hung out a lot in our newly found time off.

Most of it was spent in the trailers on site of the boys show.

Having kendall near by all the time was amazing. We had gone from strength to strength. I was totally besotted with him. We would spend all our free time together practically joined at the hip, or the lips. I was absolutly in love with him.

My pain tablets made my insides churn, I was feeling sick to the stomach, and to make matters worse I only had a few hours left of kendall before he went to the airport to fly to Canada, he would be gone for 5 weeks filming and recording songs with the other boys for the long awaited movie.

I walked back in to James' trailer and resumed my position on the sofa next to him with a duvet surrounding me. carlos and James had finished there filming despite james' 2 week break waiting for his face to heal up, we were just waiting on Logan and kendall to finish.

I watched james play on his xbox. carlos was in his own trailer sleeping.

"Sick again?" He enquired without removing his eyes from the flat screen that Hung on the wall.

"Yeah" I croaked back, pulling James' duvet tighter around my shoulders.

"You need to stop taking those stupid tablets" he advised, eyes still glued to the tv.

"You try having to put up with this pain without it" I snapped back at him.

He paused his game.

"Sorry" he put a friendly arm around my shoulders.

I sighed "no I'm sorry, I'm a cranky Bitch when I'm feeling unwell"

James chuckled at my obvious confession and I snuggled in to his shoulder with my eyes closed taking in his amazing scent.

I awoke to doors being opened and closed,

kendall and Logan stood in the room, I looked up to James face, he was fast asleep with his arm still around me.

I gently moved it and sat up.

"What's that all about" kendall asked pointing at james and I, with attitude in his voice.

"Nothing at all" I shrugged "I wasn't feeling well again" I got out from the duvet.

"Nice!"came his sarcastic reply. Kendall nudged James' foot with his own to wake him up."Oi Casanova its airport time" kendall spoke with slight venom in his voice.

James woke up.

"Ah crap I didn't mean to fall asleep"

James got up and chucked last minute things in to his cases that had been sat ready to go by his trailer door.

Kendall didn't look at me. I was a bit pissed that he had the hump over me being asleep, even if it was on James' shoulder, it was completly innocent. he knew how ill I had been lately, and the fact he was just about to fly out of my life for five weeks and leave on bad terms pissed me off even more.

I stood up and took his hand, said small goodbyes to everyone.

Kendall and I walked out of James' trailer and walked to my car outside the studio.

"I'm gonna miss you baby" I pulled my head in to his chest.

"Gonna miss you too" he said still sounding pissed off.

he opened my car door, I got in and opened the window.

"Kendall I love you"

He kissed me, "I'll call you when I'm there okay" and he tapped my car to give the go ahead to leave.

he walked away before I even started the engine.

Kendall rang late that same night to say he was at the hotel, he sounded distant and pre occupied. He briefly mentioned his hotel being known as haunted but he didn't really talk much more about his trip. He said he was tired and gonna get some sleep.

I felt bad, I didn't like having a stupid rift between us.

If I didn't feel so rough and wasn't so scared of flying I would of boarded the first plane to Canada to be with him.

The next day passed and I waited for a call from kendall that never came. I tried calling him a few times but it just rang out each time.

I hoped he wasn't being worked to hard.

By bed time I had enough of waiting, I phoned Carlos to see what was going on.

"Hey shoo" Carlos answered, he sounded cheery.

"Hey los" I sat with my legs crossed on my bed.

"How you feeling now?" He asked with a concerned tone.

"Same, doctors tomorrow, so hopefully get to the bottom of the pain...listen, can you get kendall to call me. I'm starting to worry". I smoothed my hands over my feet.

"Yeah sure thing, he went out after the studio today, but I'll tell him to call when he gets back, we are doing a ouiji board tomorrow in the hotel, its gonna be good" he laughed hard down the phone at me.

"Okay sounds ...erm fun" I mocked.

Carlos sounded happy enough, if he had picked up from kendall that there was a problem then he would of definitely let me know, Carlos was loyal to me like that.

He said that the filming so far had been hilarious, and wished me luck with my appointment for my back tomorrow.

We said our goodbyes and Hung up.

I wondered where kendall could be in Canada at this time of night on his own and not had the time to answer his phone. He had probably left it in his hotel room.

I settled my self in bed and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next day feeling worse, I had never felt so ill, and my back throbbed away to itself.

It was mid morning, I checked my cell, but only had work related messages left for me.

I hoped to god the doctors appointment was gonna get me on my way to better health. It was my birthday in 3 days and I had planned to go out to a top L.A. hot spot to celebrate with my girlfriends seeing as kendall couldn't share it with me.

I showered and dressed, I couldn't face eating anything.

I tried kendalls cell again.

He answered, but he sounded rougher than I did, still in bed half a sleep and judging by his voice Hung over. Again he didnt say much. He sounded very sarcastic towards me. I felt hurt and lost. I told him not to drink in which he replied "whatever" . I Hung up.

How had my kendall turned in to this moody miserable person.

My heart now hurt more than my back.

I grabbed my keys and set off in the car to see my doctor.

I returned home numb.

I didn't even remember much of the journey back to my house .

I put my keys on the lounge side cabinet and sat on my couch with my head in my hands and started to cry.

Pregnant!

thats what the doctors trip had concluded.

Pregnant was what had been wrong with me.

being Pregnant was the cause of my sickness and pregnancy was causing the muscles in my back to fuck up and cause my previouly broken back severe pain.

How the hell was I gonna tell my 21 year old boyfriend he was gonna be a father when he wouldn't even talk to me.

I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up the next day, got out of bed and went down stairs, 2 days until my birthday and I wasn't in any mood to celebrate anything so I called my girlfriends to say I had made other plans for my big day and promised we would all go out soon, I couldn't bring myself to say about the baby news, least not before I had told kendall.

He still hadn't tried to call. I got my lap top out and checked Twitter, Carlos had tweeted about the ouiji board antics they had last night, apparently they had run out of the hotel screaming, kendall had been on to declare what song had been recorded and had posted a picture of a double Decker bus promoting the movie. James had posted a picture of him in front of a huge looking castle that was the set location.

If kendall had time to tweet, why the hell hadn't he phoned me.

I bit the bullet and decided to call him, least my news would make him forget about his petty problem of me falling asleep hugging my friend.

I rang the number, it rang then got cut off.

Great so now he was hanging up on me.

I rang it again this time it was switched off.

What the fuck was going on.

The mixture of dread inside me and morning sickness overwhelmed me, I ran to the bathroom to vomit.

The day went by slowly, I spent most of it in front of the tv wrapped in a blanket.

My cell rang and made me jump, it was Carlos. I couldn't speak to him.

He would know something was up with me and wouldn't rest til he had gotten it out of me. I let it ring out.

He left a voice mail asking me to call him back.

I didn't.

I went to bed early hoping tomorrow would bring a better day.

Next morning and kendalls phone still wouldn't answer to me, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed, Carlos tried to ring again, he sent me a text to say call him.

Just after lunch the door chime rang, it was tammi, Carlos had obviously sent her round to check on me. I let her was shocked at the state of me, I hadn't eaten properly for days and looked gaunt, my eyes were red and puffy from crying, and I was still ill and in more pain with my back as i now couldn't take any pain relief because of the baby.

She was concerned, I didn't really talk much about anything, she also didn't know anything about kendall, Carlos hadn't mentioned him, she just said I needed to call Carlos ASAP.

She wished me better and left.

It had got to the point now that I didn't want to know what was going on, either way it was gonna be bad.

The next morning on my birthday I found out just how bad, the news was full of it.

Pictures of kendall all over some blonde girl in a club in Vancouver.

My hands shook, and my heart ached, I sobbed my heart out in bed for hours.I decided it was time to call Carlos.

"Los?" I croaked on the answered click his end.

"Hey shoo" his voice gentle.

"Is it true?" A sob broke out from my voice.

"Yeah honey... it is...I'm really sorry, I've been trying to call you for days" he spoke urgently now.

I just cried down the phone with my broken sobs.

"Sheriden I'm sorry..." he paused"...but ... I'm pretty sure he has been sleeping with her".

I thought I was going to be sick at hearing those words from Carlos.

"Shoo?" carlos' voice sounded so worried.

I Hung up.

I turned my phone off, I couldn't hear any more. An hour later the door chime rang, I ignored it, the home phone rang almost constantly til I took it off the hook.

The door banged, I could hear tammi trying to talk to me through the door. I sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried until no noise would come out my mouth.

I sat there with my knees in my arms trying to make the hole in my chest close up. hours must of gone by.

The door sounded a gentle rap, I looked at the silhouette through the glass, it wasn't tammi this time, it was a man. Probably some journalist trying to get a good scoop, I ignored it. Then I heard James' voice trying to reason with me to open up.

I did.


	10. Chapter 10

I collapsed in James' arms sobbing so hard he actually had to scoop me up to get me away from the door, I couldn't move.

He carried me in to my lounge and sat down with me in his arms.

No words could come out, I just cried untill I couldn't no sat in silence for many minutes after my breath would stop sucking in the cries that would no longer come out.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

He held my hands out in front of us as I lay on his lap and he examined them.

"Jumped a plane, figured you might need someone" James' voice was soft, but it saddened me that he had got on a 2 hour plane journey from Vancouver to L.A.X but kendall hadn't even thought about me since he arrived in canada.

My head pounded from the crying.

"It's gonna be okay sheriden" he spoke softly to me.

I shook my head in denial.

"It will be I promise" he kissed the side of my forehead that he could reach.

"It won't ever be alright James" my voice so low it was bairly audible.

"I love him so much" tears silently fell from my face again.

"I know you do sheriden, but you will get over this, your so strong". He wrapped his fingers in to my own.

"I won't get over this...him, James, its not that easy" the sobs began again."I'm... having kendalls... baby" I completly broke down.

I just about heard James sooth in my ear "oh sheriden, come here..." and he pulled me in to his chest as I cried.

James must of held me crying til I fell asleep.

I woke up and it was still light outside.

"What's the time?" My voice was dry and croaky.

"Just after 6pm sheri" he sat me up and stroked my hair from my face.

"Does kendall know?" he took a deep breath "about the baby I mean"

He had pain in his tone.

"No... I only found out 3 days ago, your the only person that knows"

I rubbed my aching head.

His next words were cautious, "are you... gonna keep it?"

I looked at James, the pain in my face made him look away.

"Yeah I am" I replied.

He hugged me.

"It's all going to be fine okay" his words were meant for me, but I felt he was reassuring himself too.

"When was the last time you ate?" He scanned my frail looking frame with worried eyes.

"Im not sure, but I physically couldn't eat a thing James"

I crossed my arms against my chest to try to dull the ache in my heart.

"Cmon, its not just you you have to worry about now huh" he pulled my hands away from myself and gently pulled me to my feet.

James led me to the kitchen and pulled a chair out for me to sit in, he proceeded to make me some food insisting I would feel better after I had eaten.

He sat across from me at the table and made sure I got some food inside me.

I asked how Carlos knew kendall had slept with this mystery girl, he informed me that the rooms were next door to each other and it was pretty obvious from the noise.

Kendall had been going out each night and getting drunk.

No one knew what was wrong untill Logan had mentioned to Carlos about the small scene in James' trailer the day he left for Canada.

The chime rang on the door, James got up to answer it for me, it was tammi.

She walked in to the kitchen and pulled the chair out next to me, she held my arm with both of her hands like she was about to announce the death of a family member.

My thoughts strayed to jay.

She spoke so kindly, it didn't sound like tammi,

"Sheriden babe, I got a message for you from kendall...he has been trying to call you today... you know to sort it out" she squeezed my arm in a caring way.

"He wants you to call him.

Turn your phone back on babe" She gave a forced smile to end her message from kendall, I wondered if kendall had a grin on his face when he phoned tammi to pass this crap on.

I sat quietly for what seemed hours but was really only minutes.

"Tell kendall I've got nothing to say. It's over" tammi looked at James with her mouth half open.

James now came and sat on the other side of me, he found it his place to talk now,

"sheriden, your just angry okay" he held my hand on the table top.

"you have a lot to think about" he squeezed my hand in emphasis to our secret about the baby.

I looked James in the eye.

"I can't forgive him for it James".

James just looked in to my eyes not saying a word.

"Well I best get going sheriden" tammi stood up and tucked her chair in, James stood up to and walked tammi to my front door. They chatted amongst them selves in hushed voices for several minutes then I heard the door gently shut.

James walked back in to the kitchen."Did you tell her I'm pregnant?" I accused as he sat back down.

"no, course not, listen sheri about this breaking up with him idea you have in your head. I'm not sure your making the right decision..." he looked at the grain in the dark wood table.

"James I cant believe you of all people want me to put up with that shit" his words had rattled me.

"I don't, obviously! but your gonna need him, your back is fucked already, look at you. How you gonna do this on ya own" he looked ashamed at the words that had left his mouth.

I started to cry as I realised his words rang true.

"What am I gonna do James... I can't forgive him... I can't" I covered my face with my hands.

"Shhh, come here" James pressed me in to his chest,

"you've always got me sheri, always got me..." he soothed as he held me against him.

Once again I felt safe in James' arms, nothing more could hurt me here.

James stayed til past midnight with me, he sat next to me while I lay in bed, I vaguely aknowledged him kiss my forehead before he clicked my bedroom door shut and left to get his flight back to vancouver.

I phoned James the next day to say I had changed my cell and my home number and gave him the details. I asked him to please pass it on to Carlos too.

He asked how I was doing, I felt so bad but I couldn't even lie to make him feel better.

"I'm just gonna stay in bed today, maybe a days rest will ease my back?" I replied

"Sheriden promise me your gonna look after yourself!" His voice was kind but stern.

"I promise James" He told me he was coming back to L.A. in 3 days to check on me.

"Call me anytime sheri okay", our conversation came to an end.

"Thanks James, your one in a million you know" I didn't even ask about kendall, as far as I was concerned he had blown it, I knew James and Carlos had to keep things on an even keel with him else the walls of what all four of them had built would come crashing down, and however much kendall had hurt me, I wouldn't want it to end for any of those boys because of me.

I said my goodbyes to James. It was hard to hang up.

Between the two of them James and Carlos kept me company with their phone calls from Vancouver, Carlos' were harder to appreciate because he had no clue to the extent of my dilemma I had worked my way in to.

Carlos had said that kendall was a mess. He knew he had ruined it. And sounded as if Carlos had also become a shoulder to cry on for kendall too aswell as me, in a way I was glad, knowing that the boys all still did have each other to rely on.

I had cut kendall from my life completly, he had no known number to call me on and I had blocked him on my Twitter, I prayed he had learnt from kaceys mistake to not write anything personal on there.

Kendall was such a large part of my life, even before we started dating. It was hard to not miss it, but the hurt I felt had destroyed and taken over from the love I had for him in my heart. I gave my all to kendall i loved him so dearly. I felt utterly crushed. I bet kendalls mom was loving all this, she hated me.

I had only met her twice. she had obviously done her homework on me before kendall inroduced us. she made it very clear I wasnt welcome to have her son. I took all of her shit though. all her rude comments.

I stayed polite and just smiled much to kendalls astonishment as usually I become very vocal if someone rubs me up the wrong way... not that I would of hit her in the head like I had with logie.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when she gets the news im having his baby... that thought cheered me up considerably.

The day had arrived for the return of James. I hadn't left the house since I found out I was pregnant so some company that wasn't from Gladis my house keeping lady would be much appreciated.

James swooped in and fed me and forced me to get dressed instead of lounging in my pyjamas. He even did some shopping for me so he knew I was looking after my self when he was back in Vancouver and ate well.

He seemed happy that I didn't look quite as bad as I had 4 days ago.

James sat in my lounge as I stood stretching my back in a manner of ways trying to find comfort, looking out of the large windows that oversaw my gardens to the front of the house.

James hadn't mentioned kendall as yet, so I knew it was coming

"Sheriden, about the baby... Kendall is gonna find out sooner or later, what are you going to do? not let him see it?" James shifted uncomfortably In his seat on my couch.

"I will tell him James, I'm just not ready to talk to him yet" I held on to the sill of the window.

"I wouldn't stop him from being a father" I added.

"You need to start getting back to some normality, get yourself back in that office. Then you can concentrate on getting your head sorted to concentrate on being a mother". James stood up and walked over next to me.

We both stared out the window.

"I can't face work" I straightened my back and let go of the sill.

"I'm not gonna give up you know...this.. what your doing is gonna make you feel worse, you need to call kendall and clear the air then you can face the world again", he didn't move as he spoke, just carried on looking in to my garden.

"I'm not calling him, I will talk to him when he is back from Vancouver, I promise" I flashed a forced smile his way and moved over to the couch where I eased my self in.

Silence fell on us.

"You be okay for half hour? I just gotta go home quick" James was still taking in the lustre from my garden view.

"Yeah course" I whispered, James kissed my head as he walked past then left my house, I sat in silence thinking about kendall and crossed my arms over my chest to help numb the pain in my heart.

I must of fallen to sleep waiting for James to come back.

He had layed a blanket over me and was sat in a chair fiddling on his iPhone.

"Hey lazy" he mocked.

I smiled at him.

"I have something for you" he picked up a gift bag that was sat on the floor beside him and came and sat next to me on the couch.

He handed me the bag. it was very pretty, covered in lace and ribbon.

I looked at him puzzled.

"You didn't get to celebrate your birthday the other day, I thought maybe you might want to today.

I took the bag and opened it up.

The first item I pulled out was a picture frame it had a necklace carefully attatched to it.

The framed picture was of myself, it was the cover of a copy of vogue magazine. The picture was of the first time I had made the front page and boasted the slogan "make way for the brit" then written underneath was 'sheriden Lloyd takes America by storm". Which was a bit of a joke in reality because I was under storm model management at the time.

The necklace was a white gold locket, a lock and keyhole design on the front with small diamonds encrusted as a frame around the lock, on the back had the inscription "my cover girl". Cover girl was the name of a song on the boys latest album they had out. james often teased that the song was about me, I had no idea that he actually meant it from his heart.

I was speachless.

I layed my head on James' shoulder as a way of saying thanks.

"There is a little something else in there too" he reminded me.

I placed my hand in and pulled out a small soft item, once out of the bag I unfolded it to see it was a tiny baby grow in yellow.

A small laugh popped out my mouth then tears fell from my face.

"Thank you" I whispered.

He kissed my forehead and stood up.

James made me some dinner before he left for L.A.X. I went back to the sofa and curled up with my head on his lap.

We didnt talk. I felt James was trying to collect his thoughts. He promised to phone the next day. Then he was gone.

I went up to bed and Hung my new picture frame on my bed side table. The frame was silver, it had swirls of metel, ornating around my picture.I put the necklace on, sweeping my long hair free from the chain, I held the locket in my hand, reading the inscription again.

I thought of my skiing accident and wondered where I would be now if I hadn't of fell down that slope, I remembered the helicoptor flight to the hospital, my friend jenni was hysterical waiting for help to arrive... then my mind went blank and I had a dreamless sleep.

Over the next few days I tried to pull myself together, I had decided against James' advice of returning to work.

Instead I rang around enlisting the help of others that could temporarily take care of my agency.

Kendall had attempted to contact me through my email. I read one of them. It was simply put,"Sheriden, please baby call me. I have messed up and I need to make it right. I love you sheriden, your my world. Please call me."

I deleted it and directed all his others to my trashcan.

I wondered what was going through his head when he invited the girl to his room.

The papers had told me she was called dekota channing and was 18.

I made the mistake of looking her up on Twitter. Just an ordinary girl that had struck gold with taking my kendall. She had made a few recent tweets about normal stuff like what song she had stuck in her head or that she was off to lunch and tagged a load of her friends in it. She hadn't boasted of her night with kendall at all.

I closed my laptop.

Carlos phoned me everyday, he had taken to the strategy of pretending kendall didn't exist, he stopped talking about him and just told me stories of his day, which were usually filled with hilarious antics.

I missed Carlos and his care free mind.

The weeks went by slowly, the day arrived that the boys would arrive back in L.A. I had mixed feelings. dread, that I knew kendall would soon be hunting me down and relief that Carlos and James could rally round and help me pick up the pieces of my life.

The door chime rang just after lunch, my chest swelled with pain, and my stomach was nauseous.

I had spent weeks mentally preparing myself for this moment, but now it had arrived my emotions took over my body.

I opened the door tearful, kendall stood there.

"Come in" I croaked.

We walked in to the kitchen and sat at my dark wood table.

"Why?" I whispered at him, looking him in the eyes as tears rolled from my face.

He looked away from my gaze and to his hands resting on the table top

"I was drunk, and angry and...I don't know, you know".

I wiped my face to make way for more tears, "angry? You slept with someone because you were angry?" My voice was low and shook.

"I wanted to hurt you for hurting me, but I didn't mean for things to go as far as they did sheriden, it was the drink. you have to believe me" he held my hand but I pulled away and placed both my hands on my lap under the table.

"How exactly have I hurt you kendall?" My voice spat venom at him.

"I'm not stupid sheriden," he stood up and walked around the table, he continued, "I know you have been with James".

He leaned on the kitchen side.

"What? You think I've been fucking your friend behind your back?"

My voice turned high. He looked at me then sat back at the table.

"well I know you did in Florida, and your massage session in my pool, and you freaked out after kacey planted that slap on him. Then you and him were always together in that fucking trailer. Carlos even said that James was after you on my birthday"

"I have never slept with James!..." I bit back."Get out! You have ruined my life... Get the fuck out!" I broke down in sobs.

"Why has he been flying back from Vancouver to see you then sheriden? Keeping my side of the bed warm for me is he?"

I found some strength inside me and shouted back,

"because he is my friend kendall, my friend! Is that too hard to understand".

My sobs were uncontrollable, my entire body was shaking. I put my head in my hands.

"Please go!" I pleaded.

He walked out without another word.

Three days had passed since kendall had been round, carlos had become a permenant fixture in my home, he was shocked at the way I looked and felt the need to look after me.

James was also a frequent visitor, I had told them both what kendalls reasons for doing what he did were, carlos tried talking me in to going to talk to kendall again, James also thought this was a good idea as he knew I hadn't told my baby news to anyone yet.

We decided that we would all go, then James could explain his part and carlos could back him up as he knew James and I didn't do anything apart from kiss in Florida, and believed we never had done anything behind kendalls back.

I also needed them both there as support for when I told kendall he was going to be a father.

Carlos had arranged with kendall that we would be visiting him, I made Carlos sound clear that it was just to straighten things out and to collect my things that were at his house.

We walked in to kendalls house in silence, James sat next to me on one of the black couches, and carlos sat next to kendall.

"Is this when you tell me you two are together now?" Kendall muttered as he looked between James and I.

I stayed silent

"Kendall man, we are not seeing each other!" James' voice was calm.

"Kendall its true, they never have...you know...sealed the deal", Carlos backed James' case up.

"Can I speak to you alone sheriden?" Kendall looked at me as he spoke.

I looked at Carlos and nodded, him and James walked out to the kitchen, kendall came and sat next to me, he looked rough, wearing sweats and his hair even more of a mess than usual.

"You look ill sheriden" his voice gentle, so as not to start my tears rolling.

"Thanks!" I whispered sarcastically back at him.

Kendall spoke his side of the story again, filling in gaps of things he had picked up on, and the true sorrow he felt for what he had done.

"I really want to put this behind us and start again, I love you, I know we can work through it" tears fell from his eyes and he confessed his hopes.

"I can't forgive you...I just cant" I managed to hold my own tears in.

Kendall stood up, he walked in thing I knew the mirror i had once Tidied my hair infront of after making love to kendall had been knocked from its hanging place on the wall, in his own rage, kendall shouted at himself

"I fuck everything up, always!"

His dog started barking and carlos and james hurried back in to the scene of the noise.

I cast my mind back when kendall and I were just friends, he was so laid back and i wondered what it would take to make him mad.

It had never crossed my mind that it would someday be me.

"Kendall calm down" James shouted at him.

"Fuck it, fuck everything" kendall carried on, the flat screen left the wall next,

I scooped my knees up in my arms in fear watching kendall lose his cool infront of me.

"Kendall! kendall! For fucksake sake man your scaring the shit out of her" James tried to grapple kendall.

"It doesn't matter now though does it" kendall screamed back at him.

"it does man, it does. She's having your fucking baby.." James shouted then stood still. as did kendall

Kendall slumped to the floor on his knees and looked at me."Your pregnant?" His voice cracked through his tears.

I replied through my own that had begun falling "yes"

"What? ... since when?" Carlos sounded in disbelief.

"She's 8 weeks gone" James filled him in, his voice soft.

"Why didn't you tell me shoo, I would of come home" Carlos spoke as he came to sit next to me.

I shrugged. my mind was in a spin, I felt sick.

"I'm gonna be sick excuse me" I got up and stumbled up the stairs.

I went in to kendalls room towards his ensuite, I noticed he hadnt even unpacked his cases yet, his room was a state, it looked as if he had been living up here in bed since he got home.

I kneeled down against the toilet, nausea waving over me.

I splashed water over my face after my stomach had stopped heaving. and sat myself on kendalls bathroom floor, the tiles against my back felt cool.

Kendall knocked and walked in, he sat on the floor next to me.

After a few minutes he spoke.

"What happens now?" His voice barely a whisper.

"We get on with it I guess" I said matter of factly.

"Sheriden I was sure you and James were..."he paused.

"Nope! just friends" I retorted, I could see his point though, James and I were very close. But I still hadn't done anything wrong.

"All the signs were there..." kendall was trying to get his head round the events that had just happened.

"Do you swear?...that its mine I mean" He honestly believed I had been fucking James.

I felt sick again, this whole mess was my fault for being over friendly with James.

"I swear, i'll get a paternity test if you want? if that's what it takes... I will prove to you that its all in your head" my voice was calm.

"No you don't have to do that" he stretched his legs out on the floor.

"Kendall I can't forgive you for what you've done, but I won't stop you from seeing your child"

I stroked his stretched out leg.

"I cant live without you sheriden, I love you so much" he reached for my hand that was on his leg.

"I don't love you anymore kendall, its all gone, I just feel empty in my chest" I squeezed his hand and moved in to hug him, he opened his arms to me and we both sat on the floor in an embrace.


	11. Chapter 11

As days and weeks passed the tension between kendall and I had eased slightly. we would talk on the phone a lot, but avoided any conversation that may start an arguement.

Carlos and tammi had just set off on a two week break to Hawaii, Carlos left james with instructions to look after me. much to tammi's dislike. she found it hard that she wasn't the centre of attention in carlos' life every second of the day. she couldnt get it in to her head that I was part of his family.

My back was still in pain, I found it difficult to drive because of it and sometimes enlisted the help of some crutches to take the weight off when I was out and about.

James and I Hung out constantly, he didnt like to leave me on my own looking so frail. my sickness was still hanging about but I felt more perky, it was just the pain in my back that was absolute agony.

just before I had got together with kendall i started the 'Sheriden Lloyd Foundation', it was a charity that raised money for people who had similar stories to mine, spinal injuries from accidents that caused your life to turn upside down, at this moment in time I had never felt so glad that I had started it.

On a daily basis of living with a spinal injury you kind of just deal, obviously I had been lucky, some of the people I had met over time had lost the use of there legs or their entire bodies. but i never even thought about the increased problems doing something as natural as having a baby caused someone like me.

At ten weeks pregnant my back had gotten the better of me, I was fed up sitting around the house and once again it was James that was there for a shoulder to cry on.

"Sheriden you have to remember its not for ever, you need to stay focused".

he had just run a warm bubble bath for me and sat just outside the semi shut door of the bathroom to keep me company while I soaked my aching back.

I didn't reply.

"I was thinking sheri, maybe it would be nice if you got away from it all for a few days?" His voice optimistic.

"You trying to get rid of me James?", I looked toward the direction of the door.

"No...I meant both of us, you know just get in the car and go to vegas or something before the media circus begins, least we could spend time in the pool or something, that would help your back... plus its my birthday soon" he said.

My first thought to this was no way! I could just see kendalls smug face at the thought of me going on a birthday holiday with james, but then I thought why not.

I had seriously gone through the mill and back, and James had never once let me down, he had been there for me when he didnt even need to be. I owed him a break aswell as my self.

"Okay" I replied

"Serious?" Came the doors reply.

"Yeah but on one condition" I aimed at the door.

"What's that?" He said as I heard him shift about on the carpet outside the bathroom.

"I pay... for everything I mean. It be my treat" the door was silent.

"Okay" came james' drawn out answer after a few seconds.

I figured it was easier for him to not be the gent and argue about money than risk me changing my mind about going.

I layed back in the bath and smiled, for the first time in weeks I meant it.

The trip to vegas was going to be amazing, I had booked us 2 seperate suites in the las vegas hotel and casino, James and I were gonna slug it out in the pool and the spa and have some fun. even if it killed me.

James drove us up in his SUV, it took us just over 5 hours to get to Vegas due to him insisting we stop to eat and give my back a stretch. I flatly refused to fly.

The hotel suites were amazing, although James was famous in his own right now and had a large capital of money behind him i dont think he had been in a $50. 000 hotel suite, our rooms were luxurious and huge.

We spent our days in vegas mostly in the pool or in the spa at the hotel, we ventured in to the casinos in the evening of James' birthday, I donned my crutches as my back was bad, James got lucky and won money on the black jack. it was a fun evening. some eagle eyed big time rush fans would spot james every now and again. he would pose for pictures for them and hand out autographs.

he loved it, he always had time for the people that helped him achieve who he wanted to be.

We went up to my suite to chill out before calling it a night, watching some late night rubbish on the 50 inch flat screen tv. we chatted about normal stuff for a while, ignoring the seriousness of life, james confessed that he wanted to go all out in the music industry one day, and create and run his own record company. his dreams in life always amazed me. to anyone else it would all seem far fetched but with james it was always just a matter of time.

I joked that he could sign me up on his record label once he got it going but he insisted that being able to sing was kind of a necessity, I honestly could not sing a note. james had often ridiculed me if ever he heard me sing.

I playfully hit him as he watched the tv.

"You gonna find out what sex the baby is?" James asked casually.

I looked at him then at my stomach, it already looked bloated in my tiny tummy.

"I'm not sure, I got my 12 week scan next Friday, what do you think?"

I patted my stomach still looking at it.

"It's up to you, I think if it was me i would probably find out tho" he was still watching the tv show.

"Kendalls coming with me, he said he wanted to" I pulled up my top to examine my bloated belly further.

James looked over and laughed."Cor look at that! fatty" he joked and gave my bare stomach a stroke.

"Oi" I laughed as I watched his hand circle my abdomen.

"Sheriden..." he paused.

"James?" I mocked his tone.

He sat up from his slouched position,

"you know how I feel about you don't you? I mean nothings changed for me" he took his hand away from my belly.

"I do know James, and you know I care for you, and to be honest I wish I had been screwing you just so kendall had a decent reason to throw it away". I was rambling.

"No sheriden, what I mean is... well if you ever think you wanna give me and you a shot..." he ignored my reference about kendall.

"James!" I said in a sarcastic sense,

"I'm having your friends baby, don't you think that would be beyond fucked up?" I tucked my stomach back away.

"I couldn't care less if it was triplets in there", he pointed to my bloatedness, " if I got you then I would take on anything with you" He looked me dead in the eye.

"Your actually serious arent you?" I tilted my head to one side and looked him back in the eye.

"I love you sheriden, and I will carry on waiting if thats what it takes" with that, he got up kissed me on the head with a smile and walked towards the door,

"hey fatty" he said with a smile as he put his hand on the door knob, "if you need me"and he looked at and wiggled his iphone at me.

I nodded, "night James"

We didnt talk about our chat the following morning, we spent most of our last day in vegas in the pool messing about.

We had so much fun, I was shattered. by 7pm I was ready for bed.

James called in on me to say he was heading off to the gym for a while but he would check up on me on his way back to his suite, he took my key card so not to wake me.

I fell asleep on the sofa in my suite, I did think I heard James come in not long after but when I awoke in the morning I was in the huge comfy bed and looked over to see James asleep in the chair in the corner of my room. I smiled with a sigh, "oh James".


	12. Chapter 12

Coming home wasn't how I wanted was absolutly fuming, he had seen pictures of James and I in Vegas on the internet, he blew his lid at me, accused me of sleeping with James whilst carrying his child.

"How many times kendall, I'm not, nor have I ever slept with him" I had my fight back now from my little break away, and kendalls constant moaning really pissed me off.

"Why didn't you tell me then?" He had his arms crossed over his chest.

"Kendall WE are not a couple any more, what I do has nothing to do with you now"

I began to walk to my front door to show him out.

"Sheriden YOU have MY child inside you, at least you say its mine"

I walked back towards him in a rage.

"Yes and I keep you involved in that, your taking me to the scan are you not!?" I crossed my arms now.

"Taking you? am I just the driver then?" he threw his arms in the air.

"Oh kendall for fucksake , you know what I mean!"

"No sheriden I don't, I don't know anything anymore. What the hell are you going to Vegas with him for anyway"

"Oh I see, its not about the baby at all, its you don't wanna be a sore loser to james" I put some hair behind my ear. I was getting hot and emotional

"No its about the baby sheriden, I do wonder why James is still sniffing about a woman that is supposedly having another mans child, I mean it all sounds a bit odd don't you think" he slammed his palms down on my kitchen table.

"I'll tell you why, because James cares for me, he is an amazing friend to me, and he would do anything for me. I bet he wouldn't of run off with the quickest slut he could find at the first hurdle"

kendall was fuming.

"and do you know why he wouldn't sheriden... because he already had you"

I slapped kendall round the face.

"He is welcome to you both" kendall looked from my Face to my bloated belly and walked out.

I slumped on the floor crying, pulled my cell out my pocket and called James, I was still sobbing on the floor when James got to mine, he sat on the floor with me and held me till I couldn't cry any more.

"What happened to him James, how did he change so much?"

"I don't know sheri" he picked me up off the floor.

"He doesn't want the baby" I rubbed my puffy eyes.

"He didn't mean that shoo. He was just angry, that's all, he will see sense"

James held me close.

Kendall didn't see sense, he wouldn't talk to me or James, I prayed that Carlos was home and not in Hawaii with tammi, he could talk kendall round. logan didnt know about the baby, nor did anyone else. all I had was james at this moment in time.

I dropped a letter under kendalls door on the morning of the ultrasound scan, I knocked to see if he would change his mind and come with me but he didn't answer.

The letter explained that it definitely was his baby and I didn't want him to miss out on any part of its life.

I said I would find out the sex and let him know and I finished it off with "I miss you"

So it was James that took me across town to get the scan done, he offered instead of a lonely drive in a cab. it was a silent trip up there, the traffic was mental, took us well over an hour to get to the clinic.

James and I donned hats and sunglasses in a brief attempt to not get spotted so easily, last thing I needed was the press putting two and two together and coming up with 5.

My pregnancy was still not known in the public eye, I was pleased as it meant our little family, although falling slowly apart, we all still had each others backs and could keep our mouths shut.

The one problem with James taking me is that I had to go in to the private clinic on my own. I wouldnt want a media frenzy of the kendall/James love triangle, which this definitely had not been.

James drove a beautiful black SUV, it was fairly new, probably just a year old, the interior was nice with black leather and more gadgets on the dash than you could shake a stick at.

I couldn't see an air freshener any where but the car smelt like freshly cut lemons inside the cabin, it wasn't too much, it smelt clean and new.

I had a bottle of water in one of the holders I found beside my seat, I took little sips every now and then in the hope of a clearer picture at the scan. I needed to pee soon though, and shifted about in the huge cabin seat that made my small frame look even smaller.

"Nearly there" James smiled at my wiggling.

"Good, else you will need a valet in here soon" I was nervous.

The SUV pulled up in the clinic parking lot, James was going to wait in the car for my return.

"Good luck" he wished as I got out.

"Thanks" I walked towards the clinic pulling my sun hat down. I wished kendall was with me, I could of done with a friendly face and a hand to hold right now, my chest felt tight.

Once done I came out of the clinic 45 minutes later, and got back in James' SUV.

"Well?" He asked.

I stayed silent for a minute, collecting my thoughts.

"Well..." I continued, "its a boy... I'm having a boy" I showed James the picture from the scan.

James grinned, he gave me a hug then surveyed the picture of the baby, I pointed out which part was looked at each other smiling.

I broke from our gaze.

"I best phone kendall"I said and rang kendalls number on my cell but it rang out. I decided to text him the news he was now having a son.

At least I was trying, I didn't want to lose kendall from my life.

James started his car, and left the parking lot, we got on to the freeway. The traffic had cleared well. I couldn't stop looking at the picture of my baby, it felt real all of a sudden.

"are you happy about having a boy?" James asked looking out to the road ahead.

"Yeah I am, I mean I wouldn't of minded either way but yeah a boy, thats amazing".

Excitement filled my voice.

"So its not triplets then?" James' face flashed a beautiful smile.

I laughed "no just the one"

"You will have to think of some names now, maybe moonbeam or pickles? you could start a new celebrity trend?", James laughed at his own joke.

I smiled and looked at my picture again,

"I'm not sure what name I will...".

The car jolted me forwards, I looked up.

James had slammed his brakes down. There was a motorcyclist a few yards in front of us on its side, it had been hit by a car that was currently facing the wrong way just to the left of us.

The SUV brakes had locked, we were skidding towards the motor bike, James turned the wheel to try and miss the bike, the SUV turned too sharp and flipped on its side, it crashed through the reservation barrier and started to roll.

It all happened so quick, I saw James' head must of hit his door window, I could see blood all over the place, the front of the SUV must of caved in, I felt a surge of pain run through my legs, the car kept rolling.

Something hit my face from inside the cabin, I could taste blood in my mouth.

The windscreen shattered, I could no longer see anything, James' air bag suddenly blew out of the steeringwheel, I couldn't see his face it was buried in the inflation.

The car came to a stand still at what I could gather we had landed the right way up. I tried to front of the SUV had completely smashed in or was partly missing, I couldn't tell from the limited view I had from the frosted broken Windows, my legs were stuck.

"Sheriden!?" james'voice came.

"Shit, James you alright?" my head was pounding and the taste of blood made me feel sick.

"My head hurts" he said, he tried to find my hand but I found his first.

"I can't move my legs, can you move?", my voice shook.

Just as I spoke James door opened with a struggle, a middle aged lady was talking hysterically, she was asking questions my exhausted mind could not answer, she was on her cell phone. I could hear sirens in the distance.

James looked at me.

"It's gonna be okay sheriden" he sounded scared.

I looked down at my tiny bump, my lap was covered in blood.

"Sheriden look at me" james insisted. I did.

"Whatever happens okay, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" James was tearful.

"Stay looking at me okay". He squeezed my hand as he spoke. I nodded in agreement.

All I could hear around us was chaos, shouting and talking and sirens, I closed my eyes, I couldn't keep them open any longer.

"Sheriden look at me" I could hear James talking but my eyes felt so heavy.

I could hear another man's voice.

"Hello son can you tell me your name?" The strangers voice asked.

"James" I heard the reply."Please... sheriden. that's sheriden, she's pregnant , please help her." James' voice was frantic.

"James she is gonna be fine, now I need you to stay still for me okay, I'm afraid your gonna have a convertable in a few minutes, we will get sheriden and yourself out to the hospital okay"

"'Kay" came the response from james.

The voice of the stranger faded from the car and started shouting instructions to people out on the road.

"sheriden?" James spoke again squeezing my hand."I love you"

I wish I could of responded but everything faded away after that to the smell of freshly cut lemons.

I woke up to being rushed through a corridor, my memory gave me a brief flash back to what had just happened.

All I could see were lights on the ceiling pass me by.

"this is sheriden Lloyd, 29 years of age, RTA , according to the other passenger she is 12 weeks pregnant but has lost approximatly 1 pint of blood since 11.00 am. Right leg has open fracture, possible broken ribs and laceration to face..."

" James! where's James?" I called out. My throat was dry.

"Hi sheriden, my names is Philip Young and I'm one of the doctors here. James is fine, he is just behind you okay. We are going to patch you up and he can come and see you very soon".

Everything went blank.

I woke up in a white room. My eyes hurt, it was hard to open them.

I felt stiff, I saw a nurse holding my arm and fiddling with bags on a drip I was connected to, she saw I was awake and smiled at me.

"Hi sheriden. I'm Alice, can you tell me if your in any pain at the moment?" Alice sounded very kind as she spoke.

I nodded my head to answer no to her question.

"The baby?" I ran my free hand over my stomach.

"There will be a doctor to see you in a few moments, they will explain everything that's happening okay sheriden" she smiled and walked out of the room I was in and quietly shut the door.

I took in my new surroundings. The white room I was in was square with a blinded window and door to the side leading out to the corridor Alice had walked in to, on the opposite side was another window that looked out to the night sky. There were some flowers in a vase on a small white cupboard next to my bed.

The doctor came in. The look on his face told me what I didn't want to hear but he opened his mouth to speak.

"Hello sheriden, I'm doctor jagodzinski" the doctor perched himself on the very edge of the side of my bed.

I nodded my head to acknowledge his introduction.

"You were involved in a bad road accident this morning, do you remember?" The doctor had a weak smile on his face, probably his bedside manner.

I nodded in agreement that I could remember the whole event of being inside that cabin with James and having the SUV spin us over and over like an oversized dryer.

"The injuries you sustained from the accident are quite serious I'm afraid...I'm sorry to say your pregnancy miscarried"

I already knew that in the cabin, when James told me not to look away, but we had both seen the blood pour out of me.

The doctor carried on."You broke your leg, foot and 3 ribs, you had an operation on your leg this morning, the bone had come through the skin"

My stomach churned.

The doctor continued."You will be left with some slight scarring in your shin area and along with your pain relief you are on a cause of antibiotics, the last thing we need is an infection in the bone"

I looked at my leg, it was covered in a blue material.

The doctor carried on with his bad news

"You lost approximately 30% of your blood volume so a transfusion was necessary, Do you have any concerns sheriden?"

"Can I still have children?" My voice was barely a whisper, the doctor poured me some water and gently raised my bed for me.

"I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to conceive" Dr jagodzinski gave me an optimistic smile.

"Your friend James is wanting to see you, shall I send him in?"

Thank god he is ok I thought.

"Yes please"

James walked in, obviously staying the night in hospital too. He had pyjama trousers on and no top, his arm was in a blue material sling, similar to what I had on my leg , some of his hair had been shaved and he sported some stitches in the bald part. His walk was one of difficulty.

He walked up to my bed and I held my arm up for him to take my hand. He did.

"I'm so sorry. there was nothing I could do", James' words took me back to days gone by, Where I would sit with Antonio crying.

"I'm just glad your okay" I replied, I rubbed his hand with my thumb.

"Kendall is on his way, he is on a plane right now" James let go of my hand and walked over to the chair at the side of the white room near the night sky window.

"A plane?" I asked puzzled.

"He was in Kansas, visiting family.

He saw the crash on the news and phoned the hospital, I'm not sure if... what he knows"

Silence fell on us.

I scanned James' body, clearly he was in a lot of pain,

"how bad is it?" I enquired.

He saw me look at his arm.

"broken arm, two dislocated fingers and a knock on the head, I could of gone home but because I knocked myself out for a second they are keeping me in"

I thought back to the air bag James' face was embedded in.

"I'm sorry about the baby sheriden". he added.

Again silence succumbed the small white room."Do you think my picture of him is okay?" My words came out like a child who had temporarely lost something.

"I'm not sure shoo, the car looked pretty wrecked on the news, don't get your hopes up okay." James leant forward in his seat, trying to seek some comfort.

"I hope kendall gets here soon" I spoke the words to myself rather than to James, but he nodded his head to agree.

"How bad did the car look on the news?" I changed the subject back to where James had left it.

"It's bad, the actual crash is on there too from the highway camera. I can't believe we even got out alive".

The words left James mouth with out thinking, I rubbed my tummy consoling my self to what might of been.

"I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to say, I'm so sorry about the baby sheriden. I thought you were going to die, you just faded away in front of me..."

He stopped himself from talking.

"Do you know how long im going to be in here for James?" I looked James in the eye as I spoke.

"No I don't know?" came his response.

There was a tap on the white room door, alice poked her head in,

"sheriden kendall is here to see you, do you want me to send him in?"

I nodded, my voice wouldn't work any more, my throat was thick with new emotion.

Kendall walked in, his eyes red and blood shot, his face worn with worry, he looked so much older.

He walked over to my bed and collapsed his head gently on mine, and broke in to sobs

"I thought you where dead... I love you so much sheriden"

He kissed my face.

I raised my good arm and gave his head as much a hug as I could master.

"I love you too baby, I'm so sorry about everything. I'm so so sorry" My words were patchy and sometimes high pitched. but I got them out despite my throat trying to stop me.

Kendall kept his head next to mine for several minutes.

I closed my eyes, the smell from his hair smelt safe and reminded me of home.

My heart pounded in my chest, it ached as the memory of the hurt came back. I didn't care though. I needed him so much right now, I will deal with that pain another day.

Kendall kissed my cheek as his head left mine, he looked shocked as I looked in to his green eyes that were framed with red. I imagine my appearance was of a scary person, my face felt swollen and tight.

I looked over to James but all my eyes met was an empty chair.

Kendall stayed with me, he nodded off a couple of times in the chair, but we talked in hushed voices for most of the night.

"If only I had taken you to the clinic, this would never of happened" kendall was sat sideways in his chair with his legs over the arm.

"It's not your fault, its no ones fault" I replied.

"The last few weeks have been so messed up shoo" his hand supported his head in the chair as we talked

"I know, we were amazing to begin with" I said, I gave him a sleepy looking smile to match.

"I still love you so much sheriden",

"You really hurt me kendall" I looked up to the ceiling.

"Are we finished?...forever I mean?" Kendall sat up as he spoke.

"I miss you so much" I confessed.

"I miss you too, I've been so miserable, but nothing I could do to make it better" kendalls whispers were honest and filled with regret.

"Things will sort themselves out, don't worry" I gave him another sleepy smile with my words.

"Get some sleep now sheriden, you need to get better baby" I dozed off in to a dream filled with sirens and lights passing over my head.

I was in James' car again but this time it had plunged in to water, I couldn't get out and the car was filling up, I screamed and screamed for help.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning I felt like death, my body was aching all over.

I had been helped to the bathroom by a nurse. kendall waited in my white room.

In the bathroom I looked in the mirror, my brown hair had dried in blood stuck to it, one of my eyes was swollen and black as with the bridge of my nose, I wondered what it was that had hit me in the face, maybe my water bottle or my cell, it had been sat on my lap.

My tongue felt sore, I must have bitten it. my right breast and chest had a perfect bruise out line of where my seat belt had held me in.

My leg that wasn't broken had cuts all over it, and my other leg and broken foot was covered in blue material still.

I sat in a chair in the wet room and cried at my reflection while the nurse helped to bathe my battered body.

My head was filled with a thousand thoughts and I didn't know how I was ever going to process them all.

Could I forgive kendall for everything? I still felt so hurt by him.

I couldn't get my head round to how it had been so perfect, to just losing him in the space of one night, he must of been ticking away with the James thing for ages... weeks.

Deep down I loved him, it wasn't something I could just turn off but the pain he created in my heart was so much more powerful. it consumed me.I got back in to my room to find kendall still in the chair and James sat on my bed.

I smiled at them both. they must of had a chat, the atmosphere was calm.

James shuffled as best he could towards the pillow end to make way for me to sit next to him on the edge of my bed. the nurse helped me out from my wheel chair.

"How you feeling?" He asked.

"Sore" came my response.

"You?" I looked James in the eye.

"I've had better days" he flashed his smile my way.

The three of us chatted. kind of cleared the air but without approaching the subject that mattered.

Kendall and James had always got along so well, I don't think either of them wanted to lose the other.

I was finally back home after 8 days in hospital, it had seemed like an was staying at my house in his old room, he cut his holiday short to be with me at the hospital, and insisted that he be the one to nurse me back to health. my face didn't look great still, the bruises were slowly fading but now had turned purple, yellow, green and blue.

I was able to get around quite well on my crutches, and kendall had taken some effort in making me a bedroom in my lounge without even asking, I think perhaps that he was worried James may have offered to let me stay at his house, because of course it had no upstairs.

Kendall was round a lot, we were not as such a couple again but we would end up most evenings cuddled up on my makeshift bed in front of the tv.

We had spent many hours talking about the baby, the loss we had shared together bonded the cracks in our relationship from kendalls Vancouver mistakes. I still felt I was running in shock mode though, my real emotions hadn't come out to play yet.

My relationship with James was kind of estranged, he would phone me to see how I was but I think he felt he owed it to kendall to keep away now.

"What did you wanna do tonight" I asked Kendall.

"I think Carlos is cooking us a meal, I know he went out to see tammi then going out grocery shopping" Kendall said as he was reading the news paper.

"He left ages ago" I thought out loud. I peered over kendalls shoulder to scan his page for interest.

Kendall folded his paper up and looked at me.

"Well maybe he is... giving us some space?... you know", his voice was shy and reminded me of the first time I went to kendalls house as his date.

Kendall didn't make the first move as he looked me dead in the eye. I don't know if it was the close proximity of our faces or I too felt I owed kendall to give it a go, but I leaned in to kiss him.

The kiss was welcomed by his lips, his lips moved tentatively next to mine so as not to hurt my multi coloured face.

It felt nice, a relief almost to have my kendall back, but there was no ache in my heart any more, just pain from the hurt that had led us here.

I pulled away and gave kendall a parting kiss on his forehead, I pushed my confused feelings to one side, I still had too much left in my head to work through but kendall smiled his American smile and the pain in my chest suddenly gave room for guilt.

Carlos had finally returned, he walked in to my lounge/bedroom and sat in the chair, his eyes red.

"Bloody hell Carlos, what's happened?" My English accent again made an unscheduled return in my shock.

Carlos couldn't speak, he just had tears rolling down his eyes, but he threw his cell on to kendalls lap.

Kendall picked it up and unlocked the screen, he saw what had caused Carlos the pain and just sat there.

Well it didnt look like anyone was going to fill me in on what had happened so I snatched the phone from kendall to look for my self.

"That fucking Bitch!" came the words from my mouth.

Tammi had decided to call it a day on her relationship with my beautiful carlos but had done so in typical tammi style, by god damn text message.

"She won't talk to me" Carlos finally said.

"Oh los, cmon it will be okay, I promise", my words echoed that of what James had not so long ago said to me.

The evening was spent with the three of us putting the world to rights, my honest feelings on tammi came out, and we even talked openly about the day of the crash.

"Did you get a picture of the baby?" Carlos asked.

I had got my picture back, James had collected my belongings from his SUV a few days after the crash but I only opened the bag breifly to chuck in jewellery that had been removed from my body for surgery, I had not had the strength to go through the memories of it all in such great detail yet.

"Yeah I did... I mean I do, but I don't know what state its in now, I cant bear myself to look" I twisted my hands together as I spoke.

"Do you mind if I look?" Came kendalls hesitant voice from next to me.

"Sure its fine, its in that paper bag out there" I directed my eyes to my entrance hall.

Kendall got up and left the room before returning with the bag.

He sat on the couch next to me and placed the bag in between his feet on the floor.

He proceeded to remove some items from the it.

The first one was my old cell, it had a cracked screen from the impact... maybe my face had caused that?

The second was my purse, it had blood splattered on it. My stomach churned.

Kendall then pulled out the picture, it looked in okay condition apart from a few creases, I was pleased.

Kendall looked at it for a while, the three of us were in silence but I gave kendalls hand a squeeze.

Something else in the bag then dragged kendalls gaze back to reality, he reached in and slowly pulled out a long chain.

It was my locket.

Kendall had seen the inscription "my cover girl"

"He really does love you doesn't he?" kendall said breaking the silence.

I presume he had gathered the locket was from James.

"He has strong feelings for me yes, but I swear I've not done anything with him" my voice shook, hoping an arguement was not about to start.

"I believe you" came kendalls response, "do you love him?" he concluded.

I thought for a second, what was I meant to say, my world was completly upside down at the moment, my thought process was out of order, so honesty was the only reaction that helped me out with an answer.

"I don't know kendall, I'm sorry"

Kendall sat there and held our baby picture in one hand and james' locket in the other.

The room was filled with silence again.

I looked to Carlos, but his bad news had ruined any hope of him coming up with some masterful words that would ease the tension.

Kendall began putting my belongings from the crash back in the bag.

"Can I borrow this?, I would like to get a copy if thats alright?"

Kendall held the baby picture towards me.

"Of course, thats fine!", my eyes welled up as I spoke.

With that kendall got up and kissed me on the head.

He gave Carlos a brief smile then left.

Carlos and I just looked at each other for a few minutes, then he got up and sat next to me and I rested my head on his shoulder and held his hand.

"A right pair aren't we?" He concluded.

I sighed.


	14. Chapter 14

Kendall came round still most days, but he didn't mention the night he found my locket he would help me wash and get about the place, sometimes cook me food.

It was nice, there wasn't an atmosphere, it was just my laid back kendall had returned and I felt at ease in his company.

I did try and approach the subject of us a few times but he would suddenly remember something that needed to be done.

Carlos moved back to his own home once my leg had healed and the plaster was off.

I still hobbled about on a crutch sometimes as my foot had some complications, I had to give myself cortisone injections I was going to need a lot of physio before I could walk limp free.

I had just woken up in my normal bedroom for the first time when the door chime rang, I went down the stairs on my bum as it was easier and answered the door to James.

His scent envoked me as soon as the door opened.

It made me swallow hard.

"Hello stranger!" He said with a chirp in his voice.

I hugged him, it was so long since I had seen his face.

"Where have you been?" I scanned his face as I spoke like it was the first time I had seen it.

"I've been busy that's all, I've been helping another band get some spotlight and just generally clearing my head" he sounded like his head was clear, like the driven James I had sat next to on the plane to florida, the James that told me of what he was going to take from life.

He kissed me. His touch felt electric and I wanted more, my head swarmed with thoughts and memories.

I slipped my tongue in his mouth, the kiss was soft and slow.

My heart ached.

James along with his kisses that day brought breakfast, we sat in the kitchen eating and catching up.

He was pleased my face didn't look battered anymore, and spent a few minutes looking at me. checking I was as healthy as I could be.

"...So kendall came to see me last night, he said you looked better and back on two feet almost" James' words almost made me choke.

Kendall had not mentioned James for weeks, so nor had I.

I had no clue as to how there friendship was.

"What did you talk about?" I asked as I drank some Orange juice to clear my near on closed throat.

"The band, the show, the future... you" his voice had turned husky.

"Sheriden, kendall kind of said to me you two are finished, and he said that he knew there was gonna be a day when I finally would talk you in to being with me"

He looked serious as the words left him.

"He sort of gave the impression he was okay with that, he said he knew how much I cared for you, and didn't want the band to collapse because of a mistake he had made"

I looked at James in astonishment at his words.

"So why didn't kendall say any of this to me, he hasnt even mentioned your name for so long" I shook my head at my own calculations of what was being said.

"I guess he just wanted you better?... But I really don't know" James took my hand and I looked at our fingers entwined together.

"It's too soon James, I'm sorry, you know how I feel for you but its just too..."

he cut me off.

"I know... I know that, and I've said it before but for the purpose of here and now I will say it again. I will wait for you. All I ask you to tell me now is if I should... if there's a hope for us...do you think there might be?" Both of his hands were now on mine as he finished talking I looked up, I met his brown eyes looking deep into my blue ones.

I sat in silence for so long before I managed to whisper out, "I do love you"

"Then that's all I needed to hear" he let go with a smile and finished eating his food.

Three months had passed since that chat at my dark wood table in my kitchen with James. we remained close but as yet I hadnt felt ready to start anything romantic with him. my head was still so full of dealing with the loss of the baby. I had stopped talking about it but it consumed my waking thoughts constantly.

I had returned to work, and the boys were in the middle of an arena tour, they had been to England and toured most of the states, finally they were headed back to California and I was going to san Diego that evening to see their show.

The night was amazing, all four boys gave it there all, again I was overwhelmed with pride, they had each worked so hard for the dreams they badly wanted and seeing them out there on that stage it felt to me they had reached there goal.

After the concert I met up with them.

The home for them on the road was in the form of two tour buses, we all met up on the logan and kendall bus.

I hugged Logan, it looked like he had bagged himself a date for the night, a pretty dark haired girl waited shyly for him to finish chatting.

Carlos gave me the biggest squeeze of my life, he looked happier than I had seen him last, hopefully his heartbreak from tammi leaving him had eased slightly, he spent weeks crying over her. I shared a cuddle and smile with kendall, he took both my hands and kissed them then walked away towards dustin to chat.

James was the only one left to greet, he gave me a hug. it started off slightly awkward because of all the pairs of eyes on us.

"Do you mind if we go out somewhere? I don't mind driving your car?" He asked looking sheepish as he remembered the events of the last time I was with him behind the wheel of a car.

"I'll drive" I said as I took his hand. I left the bus with james, I made eye contact with kendall just before I walked out the door. he winked at me and smiled.

James had grabbed a jacket and we walked out to my mercedes, we got in and I started the engine.

I didn't really know where I was headed for, but it was nice to be stuck next to James in the was still buzzing from the show, and full of conversation.

I felt so natural and at ease with drove for miles, away from san diego.

I finally pulled up in a driveway and felt my heart pump hard in my chest.

James laughed as he realised I had parked outside his L.A. home.

"I suppose I should invite you in" he chuckled.

He opened my car door in his true gent self and took me by the hand inside his home, once his door had shut he kissed me.

His warm lips felt electric against my own.

I felt tingles run through every vein in my body.

"I love you sheriden" he said as he pulled away, he sounded breathless.

"I love you too" surprised by the calmness in my own voice.

James took my hand and led me to the west of his home... his bedroom.

He undressed himself then he slowly undressed me.

My heart pounded. after years of wanting James, it all boiled down to this moment.

He pulled me in towards his body, his strong arms enveloped around my waist.

We kissed, his tongue gently caressing my own, he made my insides throb and my heart ache.

His hands moved up and caressed my body, he took in every detail of my breasts, and ran his fingers along my spine.

The connection we had always had was so intense.

He picked me up with my legs around his waist, our naked bodies locked together.

Our kissing was now urgent, faster.

He walked us slowly to the bed still kissing my lips and gently layed me down.

I caressed his defined tanned chest with my hands as his body lay on mine.

My heart felt near on explosive and I knew then just how much I loved James Maslow.

James looked me in the eyes and smiled then he entered me...


End file.
